Saturday, March 31, 2007

get over you

obsessively, i sprawl through all of your old blogs. memories. fleeting. one day from 365 days of a year. and perhaps only 3 hours of the day, succinct, relayed in your blogs. or what used to be.

i do this almost everyday.

and then, i would go to your friendster profile. there, your familiar, big, warm smile would be smiling back at me. friendly, warm and kind. how long has it been my dear? since we last laughed together or talked?

sometimes, i would randomly get the urge to just lay back. and slowly but surely, relive each and every single one of our most prominent moments, or perhaps what i can recall most now. as my memory starts to fail. as our memories start to fade.

i hold onto them. cling on for dear life and refuse to let go. beauty is transient. beauty is but short-lived. i have to force myself to remember all this beauty. for humans are but infallible and prone to err and sin. age, time and the hustle and bustle of daily life all but too soon neglect the once pure, innocent and basic beauty of what we call love and pure emotion.

sometimes too. or perhaps most times, i tend to drink. i wish i could drink and drink and drink and fall slowly into a slumber that i would never wake from, where you and me still exist, where we still laugh happily.and then i'd turn over, and the first person i see when i wake is you. you with your crooked grin.

i remember how you used to be so conscious of your toes.

sometimes, i find i'd stop short in my tracks. pause. heave a sigh. and move on. with whatever i'm doing at that point of time of course.

i wish. oh how i wish.

i wish i could get over you. not call your old number to say hello, and my heart would skip a few beats faster, just as it always did, when i used to call you in the past and got through to you on the phone. now, all i need to hear is hello. satisfied, i would then hang up. tear a little. and carry on with my daily life.

i wish i could get over you.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

i'd do anything to preserve these memories


for as long as they last.


now it's just them and me


and no one else.


yes i'm a loser and a wimp


and i'd give up my pride


just to hear you reject me once again.


and i should really stop it


but i don't know how to


i keep staring at your old blog


the one with photos


and although the hurt's not as bad


as when I was at St James and saw your car


You denied me salvation


but i realise


i'm grieving because of how much i love you.


and you may not ever realise this


but don't you ever


find that


sometimes


for some people


the brain, the heart and the body don't work together


and i know it's no excuse


and i'm not trying to justify anything


Tyler Leow Yu Qing, shut up.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

obsessed

i wish everyonecould see every kind of light


and i don't know why


i am so obsessed


with you


when i already know


that there's nothingin the end.

Swensens

Sales galore. Shops everywhere. Orchard Road. . Adidas originals. Polo Ralph Lauren. Aldo. Swensens. I see your image everywhere.

Was finding a place to chill when I eventually ended up here. Well, this place’s got no wireless so I’m just typing down my random thoughts. Of you. I don’t know why but I spent the whole day thinking of you.

You. Your laughter. Your smell. Your smile. Your body. Next to mine. Close. Skin on skin. And I actually felt for a second, perhaps many, that I missed you. Miss you? Missed you. I think. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m trying to stop myself. To hate you. As much as I do. I still think of you. And as I was finding a place to chill, I ended up here. Back where it all began. Back where we always were. And I am at orchard. Lovely place. Lovely ice cream place. Things have changed so much though. And I imagine you would love being here. Nice touristss. People that I adore.

I don’t know why but my legs just took me here. Wasn’t thinking. At all. No specifics in mind. Instinctively, just walked to Outram MRT, took a look, reminisced and left. How things have changed.

And I don’t know why but I miss you. I wouldn’t say there’s an urge to be near you or to be with you. I just miss you.And Euphe says love is blind.

I guess it really is. And I know it’s stupid of me to miss you because you probably don’t miss me. Much less think about me. Hate me perhaps. But I cannot imagine that after so long, I still can think that I love you. Perhaps I really do love you. You can deny it. But I do. Perhaps you were just looking for an excuse to break up. To leave. As I felt you always did, as I felt you neglected me. I wonder if you remembered me telling you that if you didn’t treasure me, I would leave. Maybe you think I don’t treasure you.In my own way, I really do. I really loved you.

I am afraid to say the word “love” in the present tense for it hurts. Stupidity hurts.

“love is blind wad. You take both the good and the bad.”

Gerrie sometimes actually makes a lot of sense.As much as I know she’s not for me, I think it actually fills up the void. But without you, it’s not the same. I don’t think I can find another person like you anyway. To understand me and to have the same interests as me. I really want to go to France. You would too. Love the fashion, the sights, the sounds, the culture, the heritage, the tradition, the rich, the poor, the romance, the clean, the grime. Always wanted to go to France. And then perhaps backpack around Europe.“ Sometimes I think that it’s sad true love has to give way to practicality.

Passion kills and passion hurts. But love is passionate. Yet love is passionate.

I don’t think I will ever love again.
In that way at least.
Literally.
Ever.

I’ve morphed into the person I’ve always hated to become. And yet here I am now.For reasons unexplained.Shaped by life and its circumstances.And a part of me will always wonder What if.

Perhaps that’s a phase most people go through.
Perhaps everyone.
But then there are always this lucky few who experience love
Passionate
With all its hurt
And stick with it
And I respect them
Because I admire the courage
They have to do so.
Although some may appear as fools
But aren’t all lovers?
Fools in love?

And yet
I love you.
And it feels funny to have someone else call my name
For your voice still rings in my ear.
Yet I know I cannot love you.
Because you don’t love me.
And to continue doing so
Would be stupidity
But love is blind
And I am a fool.
I feel old.
Things have changed.
The past, the present.Mos, ZOUK, TANTRIC, HAPPY.
All are but fleeting images of my youth.
it had to end though.
All is left but wistfulness and nostalgia.

Left Swensens alone.Funny how time flies.We left Swensens together.And this almost feels like a movie.

Because I can see you and me
Where I solitarily stand now.

silent movie

and it plays like a silent movie

in my head.

and i wish

i just wish

and

i'd give anything

anythingto be back

to then.

i don't know how to love you when you're already gone

Sometimes although you know it's gone for good
and part of you knows it ain't ever coming back
part of you also wishes it will.
Well then baby, that translates to the long goodbye.
I guess it's goodbye for forever my love.
or what you once were and used to be.
and memories still flash in my head
here and there
now and then
and sometimes
just sometimes
at my most vulnerable
or perhaps susceptible
i'd still shed a tear or two for you
although i know you don't really care.
cos you're happy now.
and i'm happy you're happy.
but now and then
just sometimes
you'll never know this
but i still do think of you
sometimes i feel pain and heartache
and i'd cry
sometimes i don't feel a thing
just silent moving pictures in my head
or movie stills from photographs
particularly that one we took at the bus stop
and i dont think you'll ever know which
but just that one
i think it was the first we ever took
all innocence and naivety
youth.
and then i'd think about it
and heave a sigh
and then i'd keep a straight face
blinking once or twice
from the memory
and move on with my life
and whatever i was supposed to do.

i don't know how to love you when you're already gone

DESMOND


AND


FRANCE


ARE


PERFECT


TOGETHER

Beautiful and Good

once in your life,
you'll probably have only one or two beautiful moments
that you'll remember for life.
ok, maybe not just one or two.
some lucky people have several.
and i'm glad i experienced it.
sometimes some people get married for a whole lot less
and i'd be averse to think that i might be one of them next time
because i lost what i had lost
what i had
that was so good.
oh well.
whoever said relationships have to last forever?
at least i had it
and it was beautiful and good

Conditioned

tell me, how can one be so obssesed with someone you don't even like
and i look back to before it all started;


before it all happened
and i wish i never met you.
wish we never got together,
but remained as friends


i wish that perhaps,i could turn back time
and start all over again
not now
but maybe later
if there ever is a later
when you do come back
if you ever go.


i wish i took more pictures of you
though i have many already
pictures are memories
that serve to remind me
that you were real
that you occurred
and you happened
and you were beautiful
and i loved you.


even in the depths of the night on a starry 2050 evening
just as i fall concious for the one last time.
there has never been a day
when i have not stopped thinking about you
missing you
and i wish i were myself before
for i am now nothing
but a shell.
funny though
how you could get used to anything
although i didn't go home today.


and i wish you loved me.
and i wish you'll love me.
and i wish you still do.
but i know you don't.
but baby,nothing to fret about,


cos' i'll be conditioned to missing you.

Random Thoughts

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing. ow do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

The 10 Things

The Things You Should Never Do After Being Dumped

1) Cry in the cab coz some smart alec driver will immediately give some horrible advice and you will feel ten times worse.

2) Listen to sappy love songs like "The Sweetest Sin". SERIOUSLY????

3) Visit the person's blog and look at photos and cry again.

4) Think of revenge like scratching his car. Like come on, you want him to think that it's his loss. Instead he will be happy that he got rid of a nut case.

5) Call him, only to find out that he changed his number without telling you.

6) Call your ex and he comes over to pick you up and you realise it's not him you wanna see. And you feel fucking miserable again and you need to lie to take a rain check.

7) Drink. Coz you will drink more than you should and get fat and then he will definitely not want you back.

8) Attempt to make dinner. Instead wait for your home mates to get back.

9) Message his friends to take care of him. Coz seriously he was the one who dumped you and you are the one who is suicidal, not him and his friends will probably think you are nuts anyway.

10) Wear your sexiest nike shorts and blog coz you will feel like an ultimate loser.

11) Wait for nothing to happen. Enuff said.

I wish you knew me

i wish you knew me.


iwishyouknewmebecauseiknowyouthoughtyoualwaysdidyesmaybeyoudidbutnottotallybecauseyoucouldnotandwouldnotunderstandwhyididwhatididorwhyiactedthewayididbutireallymeantitwhenisaidilovedyoubecauseireallydidiswearfromthebottomofmyheartiwouldgiveuptheworldforyoubutnowyouwillneverknowandiguessitwillstaythiswayforever.


Youknewmosteverythingaboutmyrelationshipsinlifewelliknowyoudontreallycarenowandiprobjustsoundwhinyandirritatingtoyouandyouwillneverreadthisandimgladbecauseifyoudonttheniwontseemsohungupandwhinybecauseitwasmewhodidyouwrongandtherealitywillalwaysstayalthoughforgivenessisanoptionbutyouwontdoitandiknowsoletthingsalwaysstaythisway

I wish you knew me

i wish you knew me.


iwishyouknewmebecauseiknowyouthoughtyoualwaysdidyesmaybeyoudidbutnottotallybecauseyoucouldnotandwouldnotunderstandwhyididwhatididorwhyiactedthewayididbutireallymeantitwhenisaidilovedyoubecauseireallydidiswearfromthebottomofmyheartiwouldgiveuptheworldforyoubutnowyouwillneverknowandiguessitwillstaythiswayforever.


Youknewmosteverythingaboutmyrelationshipsinlifewelliknowyoudontreallycarenowandiprobjustsoundwhinyandirritatingtoyouandyouwillneverreadthisandimgladbecauseifyoudonttheniwontseemsohungupandwhinybecauseitwasmewhodidyouwrongandtherealitywillalwaysstayalthoughforgivenessisanoptionbutyouwontdoitandiknowsoletthingsalwaysstaythisway

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

What Were We Thinking?

"What Were We Thinking?

Try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Maybe hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out of reach



What were we thinking?
And what will we do now?
Right now
Right now
Right now



The sun hasn't shined today at all
A funny thing
You haven't called
Tell me why
Or should I be asking?
How would I respond to it all?
Times were good
I wish you were around more
I can feel you at my door
But it's not youIt's someone else
What can I do?
What did we do?



Just walk away
See it can't ever be



Oh, what would we do now?
We carried on making our mistakes
Thinking our love was free
Now you've taken part of me
Right now



What were we thinking?

Iwanna let you go. Pls tell me where you are.

I read your blog every hour, hoping for some clue. You don't write no more. What happened? What's the matter? I need you. I wanna run to you. I'm surrounded by people but you are my only thought that matter. Please tell me that youy are safe. Please.



I cried in my heart when you gave me the house key. Things are so final yet surreal. I am sad yet happy. Please give me D Ee for my birthday.

hi world

I am safe. I am happy. I moved out of my house to somewhere safe, somewhere that i can rest and breathe, somewhere that I can miss you safely.
I'm really sorry for hurting you. I cant help but think of you all day. I pray that you are ok.
Anyway I love it here. I am protected and loved. I hope you can see me here one day coz I am smiling here. I wanna share the peace with you. Come lie with me and rest. I cried coz i dunnoe where you are. It sounds silly but true.


To all my friends who cant contact me, tough luck. my phone line is cut off.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Euphe

To my darling Euphe

I teared after reading your blog. Emotions were just overwhelming. I love you. I love my parents. I certainly love Desmond. So why does love have to be so hard? Why do people who love me all hate one another? It really brightens up my day that you care. But no one ever knows the hurt in my heart? No one ever listens to what I want. They just plain dismiss me. Beyonce's "Listen" is what I really want to sing to my parents.
"I'm alone at the crossroads.I'm not at my home at my home"
"LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE IN MY HEART. A MELODY I HAVE STARTED BUT CAN'T COMPLETE."
"THE TIME HAS COME FOR MY VOICE TO BE HEARD. THEY WILL NOT BE PUSHED ASIDE OR WORSE, BACK INTO YOUR OWN ALL COZ YOU WON'T LISTEN!"
It really feels good to know that you care. I know what i want. I just want somebody to love me. Love me for the himbo that i am. Love me because I speak gibberish all the time. Love me because I'm serious at the weirdest hours. I think I found that. Pls let me love him. Pls love me because while i love him, I will remain the same, still loving you.
Pa ma, if you are reading this, I still love you. I really do. You got to trust me on that one.

Thanks Euphe. You know how I feel for you. We are family. You have been more than a sister to me.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Tears just keep flowing down today.
I wish I have the guts to ask you to stay.
So many things left unsaid.
Sick of saying "sometimes it be that way"

I want you back. I wish you back.



I don't want to cry anymore.

Why Can't I?

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you when we're out at night

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin
'High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

So tell meWhy can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The thing about relationships

All these promises that we make and break, why is it that people get into relationships? Because we need witness to our lives. In a relationship, yu are promising to care about everything....the good, the bad, the terrible, the modane things...all of it, all the time,everyday. You are saying,"Your life will go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because i will be your witness."




Fever

"I think you are ke ai!" he said.
"Erm that means I am cute right?" I replied.
"It means that you are ke yu ai,"
Beams

2 hours of walking aimlessly around.
3 hours sitting at the bus stop. Asking each other stupid questions.
Trying to calm him down from the stalker.
Making sure I was doing my part as a bf.
Yes we are official. No there was no fire works when it happened.
There was a silent yet loud YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS in my heart.
He's cute no doubt.And he's mine.
Darling, you are ke ai too. You are a fever I wanna catch.

Friday, March 16, 2007

I don't mind you telling me
What's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes
I can beAll wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush
Just slow me
Tell me tomorrow everything will be around
Just slow me down
You're the one that keeps me on the ground
Baby you can be tough
Say enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love love
Tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love
I can take your honesty
All your words weigh heavily
Listening to you all the time
I want to be there for you
The way you've been there for me
Always help me walk the line
Just slow me down
I know you will always be around
All this time we thought we knew eachother
Now that I am leaning on your shoulder
I can tell you baby that
You're right when you're right
andYou're wrong when you're wrong
andI can be weak '
cause I know you are strong
Just do it with loveJust do it with love love love loveJust do it with love

waiting

I'm just waiting for you to say the magic words so that the the sky will turn magically bue.
I'm just waiting for the touch of your hand so that I can breathe again.
I'm just waiting for you to tell me that I'm the one who can make your world go round.

I'm just waiting for you.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

EEeeeee Yq is going gaga again!

For the past few mornings, I have been staring at my phone. My heart will be aching to fire him an sms or dial his number to well just hear his voice. But then I will chicken out. Not because I dun miss him enough. But because I dun wanna appear too eager. Everybody knows Yq plays it cool. But no one knows that his heart races whenever his phone vibrates. No one knows that he says a littl prayer before looking at his phone, hoping to see his name on display. No one knows that he does a little dance in the office, wriggling his butt whenever it's him. Nobody knows that he retypes every reply twice so as to appear funnier/more interesting. Nobody knows he paces around the office till he replies.

I still am crazy over him anyway. He's stupid and smart. He's loud and quiet. He's short yet tall in my eyes. Definitely a keeper.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Clarence

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Well I haven't been updating. Not that I'm lazy but really nothing is happening in my life right now. I feel sad after reading Euphe's blog. I wish I can tell her wad love is all about but I am equally clueless. I wish I can find my special someone soon. But I know I am not searching hard enough and I'm terribly shy in front of strangers. It was so easy in gay world when people just come up to me and introduce themselves. In straight world, it's a different ball game together. I shy away from girls because they are just so scary you know. I love the loud,bitchy ones but I just lack the balls to approach them.
Fuck it. I just read Sarah Chian's blog too and I felt depressed for a sec. Why cant she see how talented she is? And I cant possibly tell her that or else she might get the wrong idea. But boy this girl really rocks and I wish the whole world can see it.
Anyway CNY juz passed and well there is really nothing to look forward to. Right now I'm heading to the gym regularly, trying desperately to lose some weight so that I can look hot in a pair of trunks and join NUS waterpolo team.
I miss the past. I wish everything was like the jc days again. I remember laughing my guts out like almost every second.
Oh ya I had a weird dream last night. I had a really really good bod in my dream and I was dancing to Beyonce's Upgrade You to someone in bed. Just that I cant remember who the stranger was...but damn now the song is stuck in my head..let me let me upgrade you

Friday, March 2, 2007

weird

Ok these few days have been weird. I have been feeling rather empty. It's like there's nothing to look forward to. My infatuation of Gerrie is rather over. I dun look forward to smses or phonecalls. Oh the only thing I look forward to is Desperate Housewives premire on Channel 5. That's so bah!
My bros, Yuan and Daryl are coming over later to my crib to hang. Finally a guys' night in. Expect X rated talk and booze.

Upgrade you-Beyonce ft Jay z

Upgrade U

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Beautiful Liar-Beyonce and Shakira

beyonce ft shakira - beautiful liar

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