Tuesday, August 28, 2007

hmmm

What do I look for?



I don't know, I'm old fashioned I guess.



I look for the boy next door.



Someone with a good heart, and personality and looks to match.




The kind of guy that
when I leave for work in the morning
I wait just a little bit 'til he leaves for work too.



just to catch a glimpse of his back and great smile.



Hoping that maybe, one day, he'll notice that I'm watching
and he'll smile back at me.



and I think I have already found him

Friday, August 24, 2007

You Found Me

I love you boy,when I never thought I could love again.



I can so imagine you now, sleeping soundly
in your sweet sweet slumber.
And I wish you love and peace and happiness
and everything beautiful and kind.



The long bus ride home gave me time to think. It always gives me time to think. I like alone time like that. Just travelling, journeying. And no one's by my side. I love you boy, for everything that you are, and everything that you do. You're probably the nicest, sweetest, kindest, bestest thing that's ever ever happened to me so far. And I really appreciate you for it. And I thank God, or whoever it may be, who granted me this opportunity to stumble onto you. And I make an effort to recall every single detail, every little action, vividly, repeatedly. I love you. Everything's just so perfect and beautiful, it makes me cry. And I did shed a tear or two, when I glanced up at the star-filled sky from the glazed bus window.



I know nothing's permanent, and everything's transient. It's just that those stars just happen to be more permanent than you and I could ever be. We live, we die. They live and they die too. But our time alive is shorter. The earth, even, is not transient. But I thank God that in this state of flux, we're here for each other, now, and perhaps, in our little forevers - I love you.



It seems as if everything is predestined and that everything happens for a reason. I thought that Sarah Chian was my soulmate just because it turned out that we spent almost 3 yrs together. Perhaps she was, but it's all over now. And I have to move on. You meet various soulmates in life. And I know I've found one in you. In the way we think, in the way we speak, in the way we behave, and in the tastes we prefer.



If it wasn't for my birthday, I wouldn't have met you. Then again, if it wasn't for my parents or Euphe, I wouldn't have met you,a complete stranger then in a sleazy club. And I knew Keith from Friendster. And Keith knew you. And that was such a long time ago.If it wasn't for Desmond Ee, I wouldn't have be so broken. And that was such a long time ago as well.



All roads lead to Rome. All my roads led to you. If it wasn't for Ian Kan, I wouldn't have fallen into depression and I wouldn't have, jumped in and out of multiple relationships that caused me to degrade myself, to accept less and what I would normally have disapproved of.



Rebounds. Yes, I think that's what they're called.



Well,I am glad I did.



Because



otherwise,



I wouldn't have met you.



Is this a dream?
If it is
Please don't wake me from this high
I've become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
You found me
How did you know just where I would be?
You broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad
And the things in between




You found me.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The animals were gone

Woke up and for the first time
the animals were gone
They have left this house empty now,
not sure if I belong



Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now
but you've been gone for so long
The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin



I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering
Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you
so please throw down your hair



At night I trip without you
and hope I don't wake up
Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup



Woke up and for the first time
the animals were gone
Our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone



We could get a house and some boxes on the lawn
We could make babies and accidental songs



I know I've been a liar
and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet,
but I'm glad we broke the rules



My cave is deep now
yet your light is shining through



I cover my eyes

still all I see is you

take away your love

You're still captivating even though it's been so long
You used to love me
tell me baby what went wrong'
Cause now
you march to the beat of a different song
Try to understand that we needed space
But everywhere I turn
I see your face
I've been waiting for you to come home'
Cause I don't want to be alone
I still love you



Why did you take away your love
When did you think to just give up
How am I supposed to carry on now
Without you
You are my light



I have changed boy since I last saw you
When you left you don't know what you put me through
But my heart's still racing just being next to you
I can't escape the magic in your eyes
Is there a way to make you realize
There's no one more special to my heart



But you want us to be apart
I still love you



You were my world
You meant everything to me
You're the air I breathe
The song I sing
You are my king
But if we can try to work it
We'll show the world what love is about



Baby come on cause
I can't take no more
Of this loneliness
And emptiness



Why did you take away your love
When did you think to just give up
How am I supposed to carry on now
Without you

Thursday, August 16, 2007

what is left?

so it all happened
and now it's all beginning.



i wonder,or is it?
i promise i wont restrict you.
so we may start afresh.
or does it work this way at all?



the closeness.the nearness.i am undeniably attracted to you
for all reasons i presume
i wasn't
in the first place
but now i feel so



each time i look at you,
each time i stare at you and into
your cute little brown eyes
that sense of attachment
slowly but surely beginning to form
i could tell you
i love youbut deep down
i am unsure
i am insecure
yes
do you love me too?



i see signs that tell otherwise
and your friends tell me too
but of coursei follow my heart
eventually


the passion when we make love
all that warmth
and at the end of it all



when it all ends
when i walk out



simultaneously



after it all
tell me




What is left?

part time lover

am i being too cautious now?


so says the objectives.


then again, i wish all the other voices would shut up
and let me decide for myself.



anyhow.you're probably going SISPEC and then Australia.



i should not miss you.
i should not love you.
what the fuck is wrong with me?



i wish i was your part-time lover.
i wish you had a full-time boyfriend
and i was the vixen on the sly.



terrible thoughts yes.
but at least i know
the vixen on the sly
would occupy your mind most times.



and you wouldn't have to hide anything from me even if you had to.
i want to know you're missing because you're with your boyfriend.
i want to know that the ugly me is capable enough to bewitch you from your hot boy.
i want to know that when you're not with him, you're with me.
i don't like this volatility.
i don't like all this mystery.
and i detest my insecurities.



i want to be your part-time lover.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

tell me where it hurts

What is my day going to look like?
What will my tomorrow bring me?
If I had x-ray eyes, I could see inside
I wouldn’t have to predict the future
I wish that you would do with some talking
How else am I to know what you’re thinking?



If only people would say what it really was
What it really was
What it really was that they wanted
Tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you and that's the truth



They don't love me; I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell
Did they ever give you a reason
To believe in something different



If you’re looking for love, for what it's worth
I have plenty of it lying around here somewhere
If you are looking for disappointment
You can find it around any corner
In the middle of the night I hold on to you tight
So both of us can feel protected



Tell me where it hurts,to hell with everybody else.
All I care about is you and that's the truth
they don't love me; yeah I can tell
but you do, so they can go to hell



I’ve been loved but I didn’t know how to feel it
And I’ve been adored but I don’t know if I ever believed it
I’ve been loved my whole life but I didn’t know how to take it
Until...



So tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you and that's the truth
they don't love me, yeah I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell
But you do, so they can go to hell



Tell me where it hurts
Tell me where it hurts
Tell me where it hurts now
Tell me where it hurts...


garbage-tell me where it hurts

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Port Dickson

You build me up and then knock me down.Provoke a smile and then make me frown.



You are the king of runaround.You know it’s true that you chew me up and spit me out. Do you rnjoy the tasteI leave in your mouth? You look at me. I look at you. Neither of us know what to do.



There may not
be another way to your heart



So I guess I’d better find a new way in. I shiver when I hear your name.
Think about you but it’s not the same. I won’t be satisfied until I’m under your skin.



Immobilized by the thought of you.
Paralyzed by the sight of you.
Hypnotized by the words you say.
Not true but I believe anyway.



So come to bed it’s getting late. There’s no more time for us to waste.



Just remember how my body tastes and you feel your heart begin to race.
So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you?
I know you don't listen to me
Cos you say you see straight through me, don't you?



And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side
just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care



Did you want me to change?
Well I'd change for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…



Don't you shiver
Shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you
So you know how much I need you
But you never even see me, do you?



And is this my final chance of getting you
And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care



Oh…
Did you want me to change?
Well I'd change for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…



Don't you shiver
Don't you shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you, for you
I will always be waiting…



And it's you I see but you don't see me
And it's you I hear so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I'll always be waiting for you
So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me


ColdPlay -shiver

Saturday, August 4, 2007

my ex lover is stupid

You said it was because your art would reveal what you were like. What you were like inside... We took away your art because we thought it would reveal your souls, or to put it more finely, we did it to prove you had souls at all.
- Kazuo Ishiguro
"Never Let Me Go"



If your art could really reveal what kind of person you were inside, then what kind of music you listen to and what kind of books you read could very well define that as well. I've always thought that what you're exposed to, the type of movies you list as your favourites, the music you listen to, the experiences of your life, shapes the kind of person that you are. Most definitely, what you do also reflect a lot about you as a person.When I listen to music that makes me think, read books that move me, and watch movies that touch me, I often long to meet a person who has the same interests as me. In the sense, our souls might be similar and we might be soulmates. I thought I met someone who felt and thought the same, but after we parted, and that I could see the bigger picture, I realise he is in a way very much different from me as well. Perhaps maturity, understanding and empathy grow in people. I hope it grows in him.I've often thought myself to be a very open-minded person as a kid. If anyone may pardon me, I could often see things from most perspectives, which makes me very malleable and susceptible to others' thoughts, opinions and criticisms. I've always believed in the best of human nature contrary to what I've experienced thus far. And I always wonder if I have been wrong.



Take Zheng for example, he does not read and he listens to R&B trash most of the time. I mean R&B is okay, but too much of it just reflects badly on you in the sense that you're just a stupid groupie wannabe. And he is a stupid wannabe, as can be seen from his latest Star Search escapade. He is shallow and narrow-minded and highly insecure. Of which all I have evidence to boot, but I shan't bore my readers with.It occurs to me that most actors and actresses are shallow, narrow-minded and highly insecure. I still remember that encounter with Pan Lingling. I was fund-raising for the elderly who live in one room flats in Redhill when I was 18. I approached her and her kids, there were about 3 of them, 2 sons and 1 nephew if I don't remember wrongly, and they snatched at my pens and ran around. She asked me how much they cost, I said S$10. Then she took out S$10 from her purse and gave it to me. Then I repeated myself, "I'm sorry but they're S$10 each, Miss." Then a flustered look overcame her and she grabbed her 10 buckeroos from my fingers and forced all of her kids to put back the pens in my donation box. I mean, why couldn't she just donate S$10.00 and I would give her one anyway? She was queuing for a toy line that cost hell of a lot more than S$10.00. And I bet she had the money to burn anyway, LV wallet and all.



On the contrary, let us look at that black panel that almost every household nowadays own. We see those pretty and decked out actresses (thanks to the frequent 3 minute touch-ups those make up artists and hair stylists fuss over) in a local drama serial, acting all kind and angelic. Does everyone look that fabulous at every angle all the time? No. They don't have frequent 3 minute touch-ups by professionals, and no, they are not endorsed by big brand names and so cannot afford to change their wardrobes as often because these things to the rest of the population are not for free. Also, the photographs we take are not photoshopped and enhanced by professionals. Does the exterior compensate for the interior? I guess not.Firstly, if I already know that most people like them have little interior, and much less brains. Zoe Tay cannot speak proper english, Zheng has to mug to get his stupid As. And the rest of the star search contestants from Singapore are either Ah-Lians or come from stupid JCs like Serangoon JC. Why do they end up in Serangoon JC if they really had the brains?



Raffles JC is a ching chong school by the way, and Zheng's ching chong ain't as good as mine. Or yea, I forgot, his english isn't as good as mine too. By the way, being the prom king is a popularity vote. It is not because you are really handsome or what not. Also, because you portray this certain image on telly, you're not really all that.I wish everyone's art could really reveal what they're like. Unfortunately, what we see on the telly is all bullshit used to hoodwink the stupid. Other than that, I always thought the people in Raffles were really open-minded because of the way they think, the way they write, the books they read and the music they listen to. But contrary to that, the way they carry themselves and the way they treat other people deny all of the former which makes me think them good and true.



Sometimes, I wonder if I am just being bitter and sceptical because of all that's happened to me, my life, my family, how growing up was shitty and the boyfriends sucked, but then I realise, I don't really give a fuck about who these people are or what they do. It's just that this is my random rant and take about such things, and other than these, I do not really give a damn because I'm happy the way I live and I'm glad for all these things I've experienced, because they do make me a better person. And I've realised I've matured in more ways than one.



Age does not mean maturity by the way. It's the experiences that shape you and the person you are that determine whether you are mature or not. In fact, most people at 45 still behave as though they're 16.

Dieting

Dieting is a lot like relationships. What we're looking for in a relationship and what we're prepared to put into it influence the kind of relationship it will be. Quick-fix diets are the equivalent of a one-night stand: you get what you want fast and it feels great - but it doesn't last. You may hope for something a little more permanent but inevitably you soon realize that the man or woman of your dreams isn't all you thought they'd be and your interest wanes. Similarly, that "revolutionary" new diet that was going to get the weight off, once and for all, soon becomes a slog and leaves you feeling disillusioned and disappointed.


Now think of a long-term relationship. Anyone who has experienced a good, lasting partnership knows that it involves a bit of work and upkeep. It's not always earth-shatteringly exciting, and there are inevitably problems along the way, but it feels right, it makes you happy and, most of all, it feels like a permanent part of your life. That doesn't mean it doesn't evolve along the way, however. More than likely, both parties change, or circumstances change, and a period of adjustment follows. The likelihood of long-term success is determined by how you navigate this sometimes tricky road.

random

If I die, I would like to be buried with memories of my life.
I would like to be buried with all the photographs I ever took.
(I would like memories of all those who was ever important to me
and all those I loved so dearly and whom I loved so,
if there is a difference that is.)
I would like to be buried with all my journal and blog entries.
I would like to be buried in my favourite outfit.The pink shirt with berms and artas white snake skin leather shoes and a brown leather belt
(I wonder what would happen if I had a few favourite outfits at 80,
that is if I die at 80, and not some freak accident tomorrow or the week after.)

And if I ever get cremated, I would like all these things to be placed next to my urn.

And if I ever get my way, and really roll up my ash into a roll of nicely flavoured tobacco for all my loved ones and those who attend my funeral to smoke, I hope that in place of my body and my self, that all these things would represent me instead. Bury those in my tomb. Place those things behind the wall for the urn.

For those things represent much more than a dead and lifeless body, that has lived but no longer. Those things however, represent life and memory, that will always go on living for those who care to look.

I would like however, to be placed below a rose bush.
Those things may do the trick too.
No rose bush? Grow one then!
For I would still like to know that beauty exists apart from death.
And that although I have died, the essence of me still contributes
to the beauty,
of this now-ugly earth.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

When it was me

She's got nice eyes and she's 5'5"
Long brown hair all down
What the hell
What's so special about that?



She used to model,
she's done some acting
So she weighs buck of 5
So I guess she's alright if perfection is what you like
and I'm not jealous
no I'm not
I just want everything she's got



you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way
Tell me what makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me



And now you don't feel the same
I remember you would shiver everytime I said your name
You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes
Now you don't care I'm alive
How did we let the fire die?



It was me
That made you smile
That made you laugh
Even if it makes you happier than you have ever been


Me
That was your world
Your kind of guy
Nothing about me has changed



That's why I'm here wondering
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me