Clement the one

See I'm going through a situation
That I can't help
Wanna get a little closer
But I promised myself
That I would never give my heart
Away again

Clement, I know it's hard
But you gotta understand it
The truth is all the hurt and the pain
And the shit that you get
When you have it
Ain't worth it

I've been there so many times
I should know better but
I
Can't stop what I feel
When you're next to me
I really think
I
Finally found somebody
That could be the one

But I promised myself
That I wouldn't give in to love

And I'm scared
And I'm nervous

Don't wanna be hurt anymore

This is bad
Cause I know that you're the one

See the problem with relationships
In general is that it's always a game
In the beginning they'll do
Anything to have you
And once they do it's never the same
And I, know everyone out there can relate

So the question is
One: do I really wanna trust this feeling?
Two: do I wanna let it pass me by?
Three: do you think it's only superficia?
lFour: could it actually be different this time?

Someone to love me
Someone to be my everything
Maybe I've stumbled upon
Finally found somebody

This is bad
Cause I think you are the one

morbid thoughts

it's as if everything is calm and peaceful on the surface
yet i'm trying to find something more
something more deep inside
and i dont know what it is

its as if there's lots of turmoil wrapped within
a whole load of junk
the jumble
then again so much emotion
so much emptiness

i don't know which is which
perhaps i've got a split personality
hahathe idea is ludicrous
but it is not impossible

manipulatedby what others think
what others say
that's so shallow i know
tell me all you want
but i am stubborn
and i am frank
and i will let you know thus
so filled with hatred
so happy on the surface

fuck

i dont say mean things
i dont insult
i try to be as kind as possible
apparently
the world loves mean people

i dont hate my life
i adore it
i just hate whats going on in it
the people in it
the happenings
some people pretend
so people can adore them

fuck
i dont want to pretend
im sick of pretending
i just wanna be my sick morbid self

i dont wanna be a bastard
dont wanna be a slut
dont wanna party the way i do
dont wanna
anymore
becausei am just not like that

innately
i think
i think because i know
i know that i am not.
i am empty
hateful
vengeful

its tiringto be so guarded all the time
goddamn it all

fuck it all
white roses on a grave
yellow roses on a grave
red roses on a grave
black roses on a grave

sometimes maybe sunny daffodils

not
they're not my cuppa tea
colourful geberas
occasionally then

maybe
maybe
maybe.

pensive

i guess i'm stuck in a kind of limbo.

today would probably be
or rather
is probably the happiest day of my life

so far
haha
i haven't smiled like that in a long while.
but oh well
good things don't last long for me

i suppose this is just one of God's way of showing me his light
of answering my long lost prayer
just one day
one day and i'd be contented.

i'm really grateful for that
thankyou very much,i hope it lasts.
well even if it doesnt
at least i have been this thorough in my emotions,for once
on the positive side.
then again
i am stuck in a kind of limbo
a gentle but sometimes jagged kind of flux

have i moved on?
i have moved on.
from what?
to what?
from a myriad of issues to an even more perplexing myriad of issues.

for now,this is the horizon
and this is the happiest day of my life
where all innocence prevails

when i smiled for once
sincerely from my heart
like a child
finding joy
in an amusing bucket of sand.

Polarised

We've passed the red light

And I've got no fight

Moving in a mad rush

No limit I can't stop

We're into overdrive

Hopelessly into you

Cause you know how to

Unwrap my feelings 'til

I’ve Opened up from inside

No reason to be shy

Every reason to be mine

Nothing's really sane but everything’s amazing

Slowly taking over me

Baby have you noticed, the sky is rearranging

I feel it move in me

Oh, the ground beneath us trembles and we fall

So I wonder, will we fall?

Cause I don't want to be alone

Caught up in a spiral

I tremble and rush

The moment we touch

Breaking out a hot sweat's

As good as it gets

I can’t get enough

Fall into a head space

Deep into a new place

Spinning out of control

You should know I don’t want to be safe

Every reason to be mine

It feels like I'm shaking up

Took all cool to fight it up

Uh uh

All I am is mesmerized

Mmh Mmh

Can’t believe what’s happening

Polarised

Dear God

Dear God,
I have nothing to ask for but peace and happiness and health. I wish that all my family members would have peace and happiness and health. And I know wealth is nothing but superficial, but without wealth, it would be pretty difficult to get things done. So I wish that you would perhaps grant maybe a little bit of wealth and prosperity to them too.


Dear God,
Give me the strength to carry on, to possess the conviction to pull through, to have enough determination to do well.


Dear God,
Also help me be nice and kind, let me have a heart of mercy, let me have the compassion and understanding to empathize with and love.


Dear God,
If it isn't too much to ask for, please also grant me someone with lips like morphine and a heart of gold.


Love,
Tyler Leow Yu-Qing

The Sweet Escape

Gwen Stefani knows best. In "The Sweet Escape", the erstwhile No Doubter croons: "I could be your favourite girl, forever, perfectly together, tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet?" Yes Gwen, it would be. We just need a little help with the 'forever' bit.

Adam, the apple of my mind

You left it, I sent it
I want it back
You left it, I sent it
I want it back

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings
Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin
This plan of mine is oh so very lame
Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

You left, I died
I went and you cried
You came, I think
But I never really know
I've served my time
I've watched you climb
The wrong incline
But what do I know

Accept it, Don't let it
Turn the screw
Accept it, And let it
Scream back at you
Now this applies both equally to you and I
The only thing we share
Is the same sky
These empty metaphors
They're all in vain
Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

In the garden Snake was a charmin'
And Adam said let's give it a try
Now lead us not into temptation
But no matter how hard I try
When in the garden and Snake is a charmin'
And I say let's give it a try
Adam is the apple of my eye

And I lie behind you
And a cradle you in the palm of me
And I pat your hair down

I think will we sink or swim?
'Cause we could do either on a whim

Just Want You To Know

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

Just want you to know

random

Do you note a change? =)I bet you do huh. In the way I blog, in the way I talk.I guess I've matured. I don't know. Not all the way. I'm not cheese for pete's sake.Okay, that was kind of corny.

Anyway, I think I so totally screwed up my friendships with Euphe.I feel like crying. But that would be defeatist. I mean, I'm still in the middle of it. Still staying with her, and trying to make things right.Then again, not many people know me well.Few.Maybe only Euphe.Still, there's more to me than Euphe can comprehend as well.I frustrate her. Se scares the shit out of me.I'm hot-tempered. I take it out on her.I know it's my bad.Sometime I cry because of how bad-tempered I am.But innately,I choose to think I'm kind.I guess I'm kind but I can't control my temper very well.

I'm always a little sad, a little happy. Most of the time, I'm at either one of the two extremes.As I was saying, I so screwed up my life.Somewhat of a pessimist I am huh. Well anyway, I just feel like crying. I feel like crying all the time. Right now, the big word in my head is "flummoxed". I supposed I'm depressed. I don't know. Rather, it is rather self-indulgent to feel upset all the time, giving in to your inner most child to feel upset all the time and then expect someone to comfort you? ps. I think I just said "rather" twice.I like to think that I'm still capable of very honed cognitive facilites but then again what about my life?

I want a happy family There is nothing else I would like to have more. It's too late I guess. too late. Self-confidence brings me down. Yet, it is self-confidence that keeps me afloat. Away from drowning in self-pity. Which is I'm told, a sin.The more you have, the more you lose or are afraid to lose. I'm afraid to lose.Afraid to lose my house, my room, my things, my clothes, everything.A huge fire or freak accident can just destroy everything you possess in an instant.

I'm afraid to lose my parents. As much as I yell at them, I love them and I guess people are afraid to lose the people they love.I'm afraid to die.Afraid to grow old and become ugly and withered. I could keep up appearances with surgery but that would look a tad too artificial.Human beings are thus such vulnerable creatures, susceptible to fears that they generate themselves.I think I love Vincent. This question has always been recurring in my mind. I suppose he loves me? The future holds no bounds. Anything might happen. I'm once again afraid to lose him, or is it the sense of security or the feel that I belong, at least to someone? I think I've gotten used to him.

Then again, there is no such thing as getting "used to" someone. If you have gotten "used to" someone, you'll love the person. It's an emotional attachment that is. Love is an emotional attachment.

Perhaps I'm too young to talk about love. I used to spurn at people who were dating before 16. Like when I was in Secondary School. What do children know about dating? Well, I didn't think anyone was emotionally mature yet and married couples can probably attest to that. How many people marry their childhood sweethearts? I hope I marry mine, but as I've said, the future holds no boundaries. And I want a handsome or pretty angmoh kid. Eurasian. Superficial as it sounds.Tell me then, who isn't vain? Why the use of mirrors then? Some may argue that it's to keep them looking neat and presentable to the world. But isn't that vanity? Perhaps everyone should just be naked. Walk around naked at their most hideous. Then perhaps, we would be able to distinguish the purest of human emotion in love and care.

Don't think I'm very approachable. Haven't gotten very close to anyone in tj. ok, maybe Joyce and Liling and Gerrie and Alvy. but I jinx everything I say. I hope I don't this time. I never understood why Euphe thinks I'm a recalcitrant. I want to be accepted but then again I'm only accountable to myself.Sometimes I wonder if I'm really that hateful.Things haven't been the same after I was 10. Guess it's the family complex. Perhaps everything I'm saying is just crap.

I'm a pessimistic and depressed fool.

ps. I spent the night with Vincent. It was purrr-fect.

bottleneck

today kinda sucks.
i mean. i'm really confused about everything.
like first of all, there's my parents who are total asses and try to make me move back in when it's them who wanted me to move out in the first place.

just makes me feel miserable. this is depressing. everything is depressing.

like mom, i mean. she's my mom. and i know her weird temperaments and stuff. but sometimes it just gets to me. i wish she would stop threatening to kill herself. or make herself sound that miserable. like she blames me for every single thing under the sun. dad's and her quarrels. now this bisexuality issue and she thinks i'm not doing anything to date girls. and blames me, i mean she even thinks i have dishonest thoughts. like whatever. and when i try to explain things to her, she just doesn't want to listen and keeps saying that "when it's over, it's over" and don't give her heart problems. i mean she started it okie. and so when i told her, she admitted that although she did, as long as she doesn't want to think about it, it's over. but we all know that it isn't. that she thinks of me as the most evil person on earth. that both her and my dad, especially my dad, has an innate hate for me. i hate being at home, hate staying at home.

i feel like screaming but i'm so jaded the voice just doesnt appear. feel like crying but the tears just dont come anymore, at least not as easily as they used to if you remember as well. it just sucks. i just feel empty. hollowed actually. trivialities make me happy now. simple things. like conversing with people. talking rubbish to euphe and vincent and then laughing about it. wanted to go macritchie to play with the all-familiar see-saws and swings today but everybody is gone. so yea, wanted to go myself initially but the urge just got stronger after shit happened at home. so i took 238 and was preparing to board 93 at braddell but i realised that somebody got murdered and chopped up near the swings. haha.. so i freaked out and decided to go elsewhere instead. crap. wanted to go to jasmin's but decided against it and boarded 105 just for the fun of it. but then got off when i reached tanglin mall which isnt really a bad idea cos islandshop had a terrific sale that made me happy for a while. retail therapy. haha.. transient pleasures but whatever. things make me sad all the time anyway.

i just realised i have never been happy. like all my life. things always seem to screw up on me. i feel ugly all the time. i hate my life. hate my parents. hate everything. maybe if i wasn't born things wouldn't be that terrible. ok, this is bad. cos i think i'm reverting to depression

i feel like a slut. i don't know but i'm seriously confused. sometimes, it feels so sinful just to plunge into wild abandonment in everything we do. but then if you manage to abandon everything and just be rude, slutty, atrocious.. yadda yadda, you get what i mean.. it just means you have nothing to lose. but at least you have gained yourself. right?

i don't know. but i'd love to travel on my own right now. just pack my bags and start backpacking up from malaysia onwards. maybe i could go to the dominican republic to find karlos or even jamaica to find yanique. but it's really quite far off. travelling is good. helps u to forget. helps you to find yourself. maybe just for a while, i could forget everything, start anew and be happy.

there are so many people on earth. cant exactly give you the stats. however, each one of us lead very different lives. the extremes are hilarious. if you may so call it. why are some pple happy all the time but others so sad? and then there's the whole poverty, relative poverty and general poverty shit.

hmm.
sigh.

Juni

Because Juni asked me to do it.

You.Can.Only.Type.ONE.Word.

1. Where is your cell phone?
pocket

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?
infatuated

3. Your hair?
unglam

4. Your mother?
bitch

5. Your father?
whimp

6. Your favorite thing?
kissing

7. Your dream last night?
wet

8. Your favorite drink?
alcohol

9. Your dream car?
slk

10. The room you are in?
stuffy

11. Your ex?
whimp

12. Your fear?
ugly

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
attached

14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Vincent

15. What you're not?
thin

16. Muffins?
sinful

17. One of your wish list items?
parents

19. The last thing you did?
lunch

20. What are you wearing?
boxers

21. Your tv?
none

22. Your pet?
dead

23. Your computer?
rocks

24. Your life?
drama

25. Your mood?
vexed

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Euphe

28. Your car?
broke

29. Your work?
sucky

30. Summer?
sea

31. Your relationship status?
joke

32. Your favorite color?
green

33. When is the last time you laughed?
Yesterday

34. Last time you cried?
Sunday

35. School?
anticipating

Now write down names of 3 people and get them to do this!
Mariah Carey
Jennifer Lopez
Mom

lovemehatemefuckme

I am your god.

I am your god of wrath, of hate, of anger, of rage, of revenge.

I am your god of love, of passion, of lust.

I am your god of caring, of kindness, of compassion, of sympathy, of charity.

I am your god.

Hate me, love me.

Hate me for no reason.

Inexplicably.

You know you'd love to hate me.

It's easier to hate me.

Love me.

Love me with all your heart.

Love me till all your passions are spent.

Love me and i will make you laugh, cry, scream, grief, smile.

I am the god of extremes.

Love me.

I am the god of intensity.

Love me.

Hate me.

Fuck me.

random

i am unsettled and my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and conflicts. i have found the one. or have i? the one. my only one. yes, my soulmate. and i should be contented. settled. yet i find my days without him unanchored. perhaps this is how it should be. makes sense doesnt it? without the soulmate, there is no soul. and on days when there are no soul, i find my body and mind seeking for novelty and adventure. but i don't wanna be hooked onto this novelty. and i am tired of adventure. but now that i have opened pandora's box, i have to account for my actions. be responsible. but what am i to do?

browsing through a few old photos from 3 years back online, i find that i have changed much. or haven't i? reading what i wrote, looking back at me then, i find myself falling off a precipice from what i am now. i thought i could move on. or so i thought. i am unsettled. i have no form.the inertiaof being

i feel like
one
clouded
mess.

i am just a living and breathing human being

my thoughts and my emotions are separate from what i do and
how my body functions.

i guess
there is always this eternal conflict between the mind and the soul
yet which is which?

i cannot tell.
i am random
and i rant.

"I pull a book from my personal library every Sunday and go to a nearby lake. I read my favorite passages, wrap it carefully, and leave it for a stranger to find."


i have a personal library too.
and at times like that i miss you.

and i remember when we both wore jackets for our first movie together.

our individual photos
so alike each other,similar poses

i fucking hate these memories
they make me cry on a random sunday night.

the want to be loved.

"i wish you hadn't played with my heart," someone said.
i'm sorry.
but i never loved you.

and it shatters me to know that
perhaps Desmond never loved me too.

love is only love when it's mutual i suppose.some people yearn to be loved. but has it ever occurred to you that even if this other person would die and give up the world for you, but you just don't love him back, it isn't love no more?

i didn't even flinch when that someone cried.
only because i didn't feel a thing.
i felt so hollow and empty inside.

i know it's cruel to be so cold but i really don't feel a thing.
i'm sorry i used you.
i thought i could stop loving him
but it seems that i can't.

i once loved this boy with all my heart
and i think he loved me with all of his too.

i still love him now.
but he don't anymore.