Friday, April 6, 2007


today kinda sucks.
i mean. i'm really confused about everything.
like first of all, there's my parents who are total asses and try to make me move back in when it's them who wanted me to move out in the first place.

just makes me feel miserable. this is depressing. everything is depressing.

like mom, i mean. she's my mom. and i know her weird temperaments and stuff. but sometimes it just gets to me. i wish she would stop threatening to kill herself. or make herself sound that miserable. like she blames me for every single thing under the sun. dad's and her quarrels. now this bisexuality issue and she thinks i'm not doing anything to date girls. and blames me, i mean she even thinks i have dishonest thoughts. like whatever. and when i try to explain things to her, she just doesn't want to listen and keeps saying that "when it's over, it's over" and don't give her heart problems. i mean she started it okie. and so when i told her, she admitted that although she did, as long as she doesn't want to think about it, it's over. but we all know that it isn't. that she thinks of me as the most evil person on earth. that both her and my dad, especially my dad, has an innate hate for me. i hate being at home, hate staying at home.

i feel like screaming but i'm so jaded the voice just doesnt appear. feel like crying but the tears just dont come anymore, at least not as easily as they used to if you remember as well. it just sucks. i just feel empty. hollowed actually. trivialities make me happy now. simple things. like conversing with people. talking rubbish to euphe and vincent and then laughing about it. wanted to go macritchie to play with the all-familiar see-saws and swings today but everybody is gone. so yea, wanted to go myself initially but the urge just got stronger after shit happened at home. so i took 238 and was preparing to board 93 at braddell but i realised that somebody got murdered and chopped up near the swings. haha.. so i freaked out and decided to go elsewhere instead. crap. wanted to go to jasmin's but decided against it and boarded 105 just for the fun of it. but then got off when i reached tanglin mall which isnt really a bad idea cos islandshop had a terrific sale that made me happy for a while. retail therapy. haha.. transient pleasures but whatever. things make me sad all the time anyway.

i just realised i have never been happy. like all my life. things always seem to screw up on me. i feel ugly all the time. i hate my life. hate my parents. hate everything. maybe if i wasn't born things wouldn't be that terrible. ok, this is bad. cos i think i'm reverting to depression

i feel like a slut. i don't know but i'm seriously confused. sometimes, it feels so sinful just to plunge into wild abandonment in everything we do. but then if you manage to abandon everything and just be rude, slutty, atrocious.. yadda yadda, you get what i mean.. it just means you have nothing to lose. but at least you have gained yourself. right?

i don't know. but i'd love to travel on my own right now. just pack my bags and start backpacking up from malaysia onwards. maybe i could go to the dominican republic to find karlos or even jamaica to find yanique. but it's really quite far off. travelling is good. helps u to forget. helps you to find yourself. maybe just for a while, i could forget everything, start anew and be happy.

there are so many people on earth. cant exactly give you the stats. however, each one of us lead very different lives. the extremes are hilarious. if you may so call it. why are some pple happy all the time but others so sad? and then there's the whole poverty, relative poverty and general poverty shit.


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