Friday, April 6, 2007


Do you note a change? =)I bet you do huh. In the way I blog, in the way I talk.I guess I've matured. I don't know. Not all the way. I'm not cheese for pete's sake.Okay, that was kind of corny.

Anyway, I think I so totally screwed up my friendships with Euphe.I feel like crying. But that would be defeatist. I mean, I'm still in the middle of it. Still staying with her, and trying to make things right.Then again, not many people know me well.Few.Maybe only Euphe.Still, there's more to me than Euphe can comprehend as well.I frustrate her. Se scares the shit out of me.I'm hot-tempered. I take it out on her.I know it's my bad.Sometime I cry because of how bad-tempered I am.But innately,I choose to think I'm kind.I guess I'm kind but I can't control my temper very well.

I'm always a little sad, a little happy. Most of the time, I'm at either one of the two extremes.As I was saying, I so screwed up my life.Somewhat of a pessimist I am huh. Well anyway, I just feel like crying. I feel like crying all the time. Right now, the big word in my head is "flummoxed". I supposed I'm depressed. I don't know. Rather, it is rather self-indulgent to feel upset all the time, giving in to your inner most child to feel upset all the time and then expect someone to comfort you? ps. I think I just said "rather" twice.I like to think that I'm still capable of very honed cognitive facilites but then again what about my life?

I want a happy family There is nothing else I would like to have more. It's too late I guess. too late. Self-confidence brings me down. Yet, it is self-confidence that keeps me afloat. Away from drowning in self-pity. Which is I'm told, a sin.The more you have, the more you lose or are afraid to lose. I'm afraid to lose.Afraid to lose my house, my room, my things, my clothes, everything.A huge fire or freak accident can just destroy everything you possess in an instant.

I'm afraid to lose my parents. As much as I yell at them, I love them and I guess people are afraid to lose the people they love.I'm afraid to die.Afraid to grow old and become ugly and withered. I could keep up appearances with surgery but that would look a tad too artificial.Human beings are thus such vulnerable creatures, susceptible to fears that they generate themselves.I think I love Vincent. This question has always been recurring in my mind. I suppose he loves me? The future holds no bounds. Anything might happen. I'm once again afraid to lose him, or is it the sense of security or the feel that I belong, at least to someone? I think I've gotten used to him.

Then again, there is no such thing as getting "used to" someone. If you have gotten "used to" someone, you'll love the person. It's an emotional attachment that is. Love is an emotional attachment.

Perhaps I'm too young to talk about love. I used to spurn at people who were dating before 16. Like when I was in Secondary School. What do children know about dating? Well, I didn't think anyone was emotionally mature yet and married couples can probably attest to that. How many people marry their childhood sweethearts? I hope I marry mine, but as I've said, the future holds no boundaries. And I want a handsome or pretty angmoh kid. Eurasian. Superficial as it sounds.Tell me then, who isn't vain? Why the use of mirrors then? Some may argue that it's to keep them looking neat and presentable to the world. But isn't that vanity? Perhaps everyone should just be naked. Walk around naked at their most hideous. Then perhaps, we would be able to distinguish the purest of human emotion in love and care.

Don't think I'm very approachable. Haven't gotten very close to anyone in tj. ok, maybe Joyce and Liling and Gerrie and Alvy. but I jinx everything I say. I hope I don't this time. I never understood why Euphe thinks I'm a recalcitrant. I want to be accepted but then again I'm only accountable to myself.Sometimes I wonder if I'm really that hateful.Things haven't been the same after I was 10. Guess it's the family complex. Perhaps everything I'm saying is just crap.

I'm a pessimistic and depressed fool.

ps. I spent the night with Vincent. It was purrr-fect.

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