morbid thoughts

it's as if everything is calm and peaceful on the surface
yet i'm trying to find something more
something more deep inside
and i dont know what it is

its as if there's lots of turmoil wrapped within
a whole load of junk
the jumble
then again so much emotion
so much emptiness

i don't know which is which
perhaps i've got a split personality
hahathe idea is ludicrous
but it is not impossible

manipulatedby what others think
what others say
that's so shallow i know
tell me all you want
but i am stubborn
and i am frank
and i will let you know thus
so filled with hatred
so happy on the surface

fuck

i dont say mean things
i dont insult
i try to be as kind as possible
apparently
the world loves mean people

i dont hate my life
i adore it
i just hate whats going on in it
the people in it
the happenings
some people pretend
so people can adore them

fuck
i dont want to pretend
im sick of pretending
i just wanna be my sick morbid self

i dont wanna be a bastard
dont wanna be a slut
dont wanna party the way i do
dont wanna
anymore
becausei am just not like that

innately
i think
i think because i know
i know that i am not.
i am empty
hateful
vengeful

its tiringto be so guarded all the time
goddamn it all

fuck it all
white roses on a grave
yellow roses on a grave
red roses on a grave
black roses on a grave

sometimes maybe sunny daffodils

not
they're not my cuppa tea
colourful geberas
occasionally then

maybe
maybe
maybe.