lovemehatemefuckme

Clement

2007-11-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do with you.

Last Post

2007-11-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

I first saw you at PLAY!
I know my heart and it will never change.

I thought I found some kind of fairytale.

We screamed and shouted and tried to make us last.

Though it didn't work out,
I don't love you any less.

You are a special lover.
Sometimes I could only touch a ghost.

I'm a sycophantic courtier with an elegant repost.

In spite of that,
You were the one I needed most.
Cause the only one I would come undone is you.

Still I'm not the boy for you.

Well I have learnt to accept that
Perhaps some melodies are better left undone.

Your words circle in my head.
They weigh so heavy on my chest.
And I'm crushed by your expectations.

When my hand was in yours,
My heart was pure.

Fools like me,
Well.
We love blindly, foolishly and fiercely.

At least I can say I was not afraid.
I loved you all the way.
I would pick the fool I was any day.

Always be my baby

2007-11-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

If you were me
What would u do?
Always a lie
And never the truth

Now as for me,I'm movin on
You'll always be my baby

Clement
I just gotta let you go for now
Though I could take a while,
Maybe we can make it back around

Anything that I want
I can get it boy
But you know you are the only one that can turn me on and on,
That's why I switch my frame of mind
Always there when you call,
Always on time

I'm looking forward to spread my wings and party
For everything and for everbody

I need my space
My time alone

It's like our hearts don't match no more

Still anything that u want u can get it boy
You know I still got love for you
In court I plead the Fifth

When you didn't love me
You were probably thinking I won't sense a thing
But love is funny and it can catch up with lies
You can't look me straight in the eyes

I'm not suprised
That you hurt me baby
But why me baby?

Just let me breath in and I'll fly free babe

If you were me,
What would you do?
No security
No promises

You will always be my baby.

It's too late

2007-11-04T03:24:00.000-08:00

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait!
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize
It's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with fire
Now the red flame is turning blue
And you say "Sorry"
Like an angel

Heaven let me think it was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize
It's too late

I'm holdin on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

trevvy article 2

2007-11-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

Open relationship is about one thing—SEX.

Sex is good.
And sex with different people concurrently or over the course of a lifetime is awesome. Sex is so good that some people are addicted to it. Sex makes people do crazy things like spending 10 hours on IRC. I love sex just as much as anybody else. But I definitely believe that there is more to life than sex.

I was inspired to write this after reading the comments to the previous one that I have written.

Some people consider sex outside a monagamous relationship to be cheating, but I think it is definitely more than that. You are cheating when you lie and keep secrets from your partner.

I wonder how people define ‘relationship’ nowadays. The 'do's and 'don't's are getting increasing blurry these days.
The traditional concept of a committed relationship has gone through some pronounced changes in the past years.
As our pace of life gets faster and our notions of social acceptability become broader and more tolerant, the concept of a single partner for life beings to sound quaint to some. But if your partner suggested an open relationship -- one in which you were both free to explore other sexual encounters without fear of retribution -- what would you think?

Now I know we live in 2007 and no longer in 1997 which was the year I discovered I was bisexual by the way. And, yes, I understand that people often have sex before getting together. I understand that we live in a modern world.
But does that mean we can have an open relationship and expect it to work? I don’t believe such a relationship lends itself to success. A relationship should be built on openness, honesty and commitment. How committed can you be when your partner is entering into that same type of relationship with other people? Would that increase your faith in him or decrease it?

More than anything else, sex with other people seems to violate the contract of a relationship.and, in turn, monogamy. If you love someone, you don’t have sex with someone else. If you are monogamous, you don’t have sex with someone else. So, bottom line—love, sex, and relationship are all all implicated in monogamy.

Look, I'm old-fashioned! I am proud of it and not hiding it at all. I want the lifetime partner, “THE ONE,” the soul mate. I want the house. I want the dogs. I want the adopted kids. If I had a nice house in Melbourne, I would smile every time I looked out my window.

But I am not an idiot.

I am not waiting for the knight in shining armor to save me so we can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I know a relationship takes work. It takes mind numbing, backbreaking work. A relationship is a promise that you won’t go anywhere, and you can’t. No matter what happens, you have to stick around. Well, that’s what it means to me.

Maybe not everyone is as old fashioned as me, and maybe there are many people who don’t want a relationship. But I bet any person in the world who was offered a chance at true love would take it in a heartbeat and never let go. So why have some people given up on the possibility of being with one person forever, or at least at a time? Do we really believe monogamy is dead? Or impossible? Or is there something else going on here?

You know what I really think about people who are in ‘open’ relationships? That it’s just easier to have an ‘open door’ policy because you just assume that your partner will cheat. Better instead to just allow him that freedom than to set yourself up for the inevitable pain of unfaithfulness. Or, conversely, that it’s easier to excuse your own unfaithfulness if you go into the relationship with the understanding that you are still ‘free’ to pursue other interests.

I just feel, and it’s a gut feeling that there’s something larger going on beneath the surface. It’s just a hunch, but I really think that it is not monogamy that people do not believe in. People who are into open relationships will tell you that they do not believe in having sex with one person and that same person forever. But I think its bull shit. I think they don’t really believe in love, and I think they force themselves to deal with the thought of the person they love having sex with other people because they think that’s the only way to really hold onto their love.

I think what motivates people is often fear of loss or getting hurt, so they dumb down their relationships in order to protect themselves against pain. But people who do all they can to avoid pain, and I am often guilty of that myself, never truly get all the great feelings because they are constantly worried about the bad feelings. Pain and loss exist to make happiness and love feel even better.

What it seems to come down to for people in these types of relationships is an unwillingness to try and make it work in a one-on-one, monogamous relationship. And again, if you feel that way, then why the hell get involved at all?

How does an open relationship honor love and commitment to each other? If your life is dotted with random sexual partners while building a solid relationship, then what is your relationship really about? Is it precious? Is it fulfilling? Is it beautiful? Is it real?

What makes a relationship something that people want to hold onto? What makes it special? Intimacy with your partner? Shared goals? Sex? I think the thing that makes a relationship special is that you are with the person you love. It’s special because it is two people doing something together that they are not doing with anyone else. That’s what a true relationship or love or whatever is all about.

Why would you want to preserve something that isn’t special and beautiful anyway?

Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe because I am a sensitive new age bottom, and have a hard time separating sex from emotion (love), I can’t possibly see the awesomeness of open relationships. And certainly, I want people to do what they want to do.

I would never judge others for being non-monogamous, I just won’t date them.

ping pong song-enrique

2007-10-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?

Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get him to speak

Maybe if I knew all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?

How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
If you just don’t talk to me babe.

I flow through my act
And decide all the man I can ever be.

Looking at the last 6 months like I did
I could never see us ending like this.

How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How do you want me to love you?

numb

2007-10-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a disaster waiting to happen

So yr friend said.

Friend whom you only met twice.

And the second time was actually encouraged by me.

Because you didnt want to go

But I thought it was only kind and polite to see him off at the airport

As he didnt have many friends.

So much for kindness.

It definitely goes a long way.

And what have I done?

My friends tell me stuff too.

Friends I know for years.

Friends whom I met thousands of times

But loyally, stubbornly, foolishly I stood by you.

Because I love you.

But you don't love me.

You live only for yourself.

What about me?

And it's alright
Yea I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

So Hello!

How you doing?

What's it like to ruin all my self esteem?

Let me blow off some steam

For 6 months

I've catered to your every whims and fancy

My heart got shattered like romantic roadkill

My heart is all splattered

Your ego got fatter

And I hope that you're flattered

Cause you broke me down
The best thing that you will probably ever have.

First Day of Field Camp

2007-10-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

Swollen eyes

No better to let you see them now

My wasted heart
Will never learn todrive the demon down

When you love the devil
You sell your soul
And it's hard to make him go

Undignified

I am tonight

So give me false hope and promise me
you'll try to redeem yourself for the hundredth time

Lie to me if you must my dear

Give me a reason to have you here
Giving false hope allows me to still believe
In this powerful love that's consuming me

I'm hooked on a drug that steals my pride
It's hard not to seem
So undignified

It terrifies me
to think I'm not the only one

You'd be surprised
How much I cry when you are gone

When your angel's the devil
Your church is a tomb

But I need to be with you

I am addicted to the pleasure and the pain you give

I'm undignified
Enough for two

Detention

2007-10-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

Growing up is a process of discovery and it often begins with the unlikeliest of things...

I had always thought in my mind that everything would seem smaller as I grew bigger.
Things like clubbing and all the what-nots.
They all seem less important as I grew.
Growing up had blown the world into an unmanageable size instead....

Everything familiar around me had collapsed and I was afraid.
I found myself lost, lost and smaller than I ever was.
I had struggled to stay afloat through this torrent of ideas, and things, and people.
But there were too many directions and too many possibilities.
I was trying too hard and it left me hurting and disconsolate.
There was nothing to grasp ad no light to look to.
Just an insurmountable mess ahead of me.

Well the years have passed and I kinda grew weary trying to work things out.
The colours were now dimmed but the gloom had gradually dissipated as well.
With time, I had lost my worries and subconsciously learnt to be happy again.
I found joy in lesser, seemingly inconsequential things like
Just walking with Clement to the bus stop with the breeze pressing up against our skin.

It was then I realised I had grown again.

Mended by you

2007-10-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

I tried to make it work and I have learned the hardest way. I lost him in the end and when it was over,I turned my back on love.
I switched of at the mains and refuse to function.
I cried night and day.

You came up I swear that it was just like something from the movie scene. When we met, we connected. I never expected you’d be everything to me.

You are, everything I want to see and nothing that I wanna lose. With you I feel like I would never break.

I’ve been mended by you.
You’re the reason that I wanna stay and to go to places that I wanna go

He never held me close. You never let me go. Just when I lost the fights you were my soldier.

And now we are sitting here in such a different place

April 14th
Do you remember?

I've been mended by you.

So What

2007-09-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

Yes one dose of you
Will have me addicted

And I know what you have been through
For me

And they say
I'm a slut
I'm a whore
I'm a freak
I got a different guy everyday of the week

You are too smart
And you would be a dummy to believe
That stuff that you heard that they say about me

Its only been 5 months
And i already got it bad
So good that i keep on comin back

My ex-friends tellin me i dont know how to act
but im tellin them
" bye! fall back..."

So when i had a good girl
She didnt do that much for me
Tried so hard but she could never be
The one for me

I can hear your call
It jus takes one call
And I'll come running
Boy i promise i will be there for you
All my heart it belongs to you

I cant lose you, boy
I just cant leave you alone

They say
You are gay
You are trouble
And we are a mistake
We ain't gonna have a future
And we ain't gonna have kids
I will be discriminated in Uni.

Find somebody else

So what?

So what?

So what?

Some people don't like it
Coz we hang out in the streets
But you're my boyfriend
You've always been here for me
This love is serious
No matter what people think

I'm gonna be here for ya
And I don't care what they say

SO WHAT?

sweet love

2007-09-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

Siloso Beach Resort

Room 330

It was all too sweet to last.

hmmm

2007-08-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

What do I look for?

I don't know, I'm old fashioned I guess.

I look for the boy next door.

Someone with a good heart, and personality and looks to match.

The kind of guy that
when I leave for work in the morning
I wait just a little bit 'til he leaves for work too.

just to catch a glimpse of his back and great smile.

Hoping that maybe, one day, he'll notice that I'm watching
and he'll smile back at me.

and I think I have already found him

You Found Me

2007-08-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

I love you boy,when I never thought I could love again.

I can so imagine you now, sleeping soundly
in your sweet sweet slumber.
And I wish you love and peace and happiness
and everything beautiful and kind.

The long bus ride home gave me time to think. It always gives me time to think. I like alone time like that. Just travelling, journeying. And no one's by my side. I love you boy, for everything that you are, and everything that you do. You're probably the nicest, sweetest, kindest, bestest thing that's ever ever happened to me so far. And I really appreciate you for it. And I thank God, or whoever it may be, who granted me this opportunity to stumble onto you. And I make an effort to recall every single detail, every little action, vividly, repeatedly. I love you. Everything's just so perfect and beautiful, it makes me cry. And I did shed a tear or two, when I glanced up at the star-filled sky from the glazed bus window.

I know nothing's permanent, and everything's transient. It's just that those stars just happen to be more permanent than you and I could ever be. We live, we die. They live and they die too. But our time alive is shorter. The earth, even, is not transient. But I thank God that in this state of flux, we're here for each other, now, and perhaps, in our little forevers - I love you.

It seems as if everything is predestined and that everything happens for a reason. I thought that Sarah Chian was my soulmate just because it turned out that we spent almost 3 yrs together. Perhaps she was, but it's all over now. And I have to move on. You meet various soulmates in life. And I know I've found one in you. In the way we think, in the way we speak, in the way we behave, and in the tastes we prefer.

If it wasn't for my birthday, I wouldn't have met you. Then again, if it wasn't for my parents or Euphe, I wouldn't have met you,a complete stranger then in a sleazy club. And I knew Keith from Friendster. And Keith knew you. And that was such a long time ago.If it wasn't for Desmond Ee, I wouldn't have be so broken. And that was such a long time ago as well.

All roads lead to Rome. All my roads led to you. If it wasn't for Ian Kan, I wouldn't have fallen into depression and I wouldn't have, jumped in and out of multiple relationships that caused me to degrade myself, to accept less and what I would normally have disapproved of.

Rebounds. Yes, I think that's what they're called.

Well,I am glad I did.

Because

otherwise,

I wouldn't have met you.

Is this a dream?
If it is
Please don't wake me from this high
I've become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
You found me
How did you know just where I would be?
You broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad
And the things in between

You found me.

The animals were gone

2007-08-17T20:41:00.001-07:00

Woke up and for the first time
the animals were gone
They have left this house empty now,
not sure if I belong

Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now
but you've been gone for so long
The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin

I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering
Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you
so please throw down your hair

At night I trip without you
and hope I don't wake up
Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Woke up and for the first time
the animals were gone
Our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone

We could get a house and some boxes on the lawn
We could make babies and accidental songs

I know I've been a liar
and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet,
but I'm glad we broke the rules

My cave is deep now
yet your light is shining through

I cover my eyes

still all I see is you

take away your love

2007-08-17T01:53:00.000-07:00

You're still captivating even though it's been so long
You used to love me
tell me baby what went wrong'
Cause now
you march to the beat of a different song
Try to understand that we needed space
But everywhere I turn
I see your face
I've been waiting for you to come home'
Cause I don't want to be alone
I still love you

Why did you take away your love
When did you think to just give up
How am I supposed to carry on now
Without you
You are my light

I have changed boy since I last saw you
When you left you don't know what you put me through
But my heart's still racing just being next to you
I can't escape the magic in your eyes
Is there a way to make you realize
There's no one more special to my heart

But you want us to be apart
I still love you

You were my world
You meant everything to me
You're the air I breathe
The song I sing
You are my king
But if we can try to work it
We'll show the world what love is about

Baby come on cause
I can't take no more
Of this loneliness
And emptiness

Why did you take away your love
When did you think to just give up
How am I supposed to carry on now
Without you

what is left?

2007-08-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

so it all happened
and now it's all beginning.

i wonder,or is it?
i promise i wont restrict you.
so we may start afresh.
or does it work this way at all?

the closeness.the nearness.i am undeniably attracted to you
for all reasons i presume
i wasn't
in the first place
but now i feel so

each time i look at you,
each time i stare at you and into
your cute little brown eyes
that sense of attachment
slowly but surely beginning to form
i could tell you
i love youbut deep down
i am unsure
i am insecure
yes
do you love me too?

i see signs that tell otherwise
and your friends tell me too
but of coursei follow my heart
eventually

the passion when we make love
all that warmth
and at the end of it all

when it all ends
when i walk out

simultaneously

after it all
tell me

What is left?

part time lover

2007-08-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

am i being too cautious now?

so says the objectives.

then again, i wish all the other voices would shut up
and let me decide for myself.

anyhow.you're probably going SISPEC and then Australia.

i should not miss you.
i should not love you.
what the fuck is wrong with me?

i wish i was your part-time lover.
i wish you had a full-time boyfriend
and i was the vixen on the sly.

terrible thoughts yes.
but at least i know
the vixen on the sly
would occupy your mind most times.

and you wouldn't have to hide anything from me even if you had to.
i want to know you're missing because you're with your boyfriend.
i want to know that the ugly me is capable enough to bewitch you from your hot boy.
i want to know that when you're not with him, you're with me.
i don't like this volatility.
i don't like all this mystery.
and i detest my insecurities.

i want to be your part-time lover.

tell me where it hurts

2007-08-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

What is my day going to look like?
What will my tomorrow bring me?
If I had x-ray eyes, I could see inside
I wouldn’t have to predict the future
I wish that you would do with some talking
How else am I to know what you’re thinking?

If only people would say what it really was
What it really was
What it really was that they wanted
Tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you and that's the truth

They don't love me; I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell
Did they ever give you a reason
To believe in something different

If you’re looking for love, for what it's worth
I have plenty of it lying around here somewhere
If you are looking for disappointment
You can find it around any corner
In the middle of the night I hold on to you tight
So both of us can feel protected

Tell me where it hurts,to hell with everybody else.
All I care about is you and that's the truth
they don't love me; yeah I can tell
but you do, so they can go to hell

I’ve been loved but I didn’t know how to feel it
And I’ve been adored but I don’t know if I ever believed it
I’ve been loved my whole life but I didn’t know how to take it
Until...

So tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you and that's the truth
they don't love me, yeah I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell
But you do, so they can go to hell

Tell me where it hurts
Tell me where it hurts
Tell me where it hurts now
Tell me where it hurts...

garbage-tell me where it hurts

Port Dickson

2007-08-12T02:08:00.000-07:00

You build me up and then knock me down.Provoke a smile and then make me frown.

You are the king of runaround.You know it’s true that you chew me up and spit me out. Do you rnjoy the tasteI leave in your mouth? You look at me. I look at you. Neither of us know what to do.

There may not
be another way to your heart

So I guess I’d better find a new way in. I shiver when I hear your name.
Think about you but it’s not the same. I won’t be satisfied until I’m under your skin.

Immobilized by the thought of you.
Paralyzed by the sight of you.
Hypnotized by the words you say.
Not true but I believe anyway.

So come to bed it’s getting late. There’s no more time for us to waste.

Just remember how my body tastes and you feel your heart begin to race.

2007-08-12T02:02:00.000-07:00

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you?
I know you don't listen to me
Cos you say you see straight through me, don't you?

And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side
just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care

Did you want me to change?
Well I'd change for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you
So you know how much I need you
But you never even see me, do you?

And is this my final chance of getting you
And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care

Oh…
Did you want me to change?
Well I'd change for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Don't you shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you, for you
I will always be waiting…

And it's you I see but you don't see me
And it's you I hear so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I'll always be waiting for you
So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me

ColdPlay -shiver

my ex lover is stupid

2007-08-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

You said it was because your art would reveal what you were like. What you were like inside... We took away your art because we thought it would reveal your souls, or to put it more finely, we did it to prove you had souls at all.
- Kazuo Ishiguro
"Never Let Me Go"

If your art could really reveal what kind of person you were inside, then what kind of music you listen to and what kind of books you read could very well define that as well. I've always thought that what you're exposed to, the type of movies you list as your favourites, the music you listen to, the experiences of your life, shapes the kind of person that you are. Most definitely, what you do also reflect a lot about you as a person.When I listen to music that makes me think, read books that move me, and watch movies that touch me, I often long to meet a person who has the same interests as me. In the sense, our souls might be similar and we might be soulmates. I thought I met someone who felt and thought the same, but after we parted, and that I could see the bigger picture, I realise he is in a way very much different from me as well. Perhaps maturity, understanding and empathy grow in people. I hope it grows in him.I've often thought myself to be a very open-minded person as a kid. If anyone may pardon me, I could often see things from most perspectives, which makes me very malleable and susceptible to others' thoughts, opinions and criticisms. I've always believed in the best of human nature contrary to what I've experienced thus far. And I always wonder if I have been wrong.

Take Zheng for example, he does not read and he listens to R&B trash most of the time. I mean R&B is okay, but too much of it just reflects badly on you in the sense that you're just a stupid groupie wannabe. And he is a stupid wannabe, as can be seen from his latest Star Search escapade. He is shallow and narrow-minded and highly insecure. Of which all I have evidence to boot, but I shan't bore my readers with.It occurs to me that most actors and actresses are shallow, narrow-minded and highly insecure. I still remember that encounter with Pan Lingling. I was fund-raising for the elderly who live in one room flats in Redhill when I was 18. I approached her and her kids, there were about 3 of them, 2 sons and 1 nephew if I don't remember wrongly, and they snatched at my pens and ran around. She asked me how much they cost, I said S$10. Then she took out S$10 from her purse and gave it to me. Then I repeated myself, "I'm sorry but they're S$10 each, Miss." Then a flustered look overcame her and she grabbed her 10 buckeroos from my fingers and forced all of her kids to put back the pens in my donation box. I mean, why couldn't she just donate S$10.00 and I would give her one anyway? She was queuing for a toy line that cost hell of a lot more than S$10.00. And I bet she had the money to burn anyway, LV wallet and all.

On the contrary, let us look at that black panel that almost every household nowadays own. We see those pretty and decked out actresses (thanks to the frequent 3 minute touch-ups those make up artists and hair stylists fuss over) in a local drama serial, acting all kind and angelic. Does everyone look that fabulous at every angle all the time? No. They don't have frequent 3 minute touch-ups by professionals, and no, they are not endorsed by big brand names and so cannot afford to change their wardrobes as often because these things to the rest of the population are not for free. Also, the photographs we take are not photoshopped and enhanced by professionals. Does the exterior compensate for the interior? I guess not.Firstly, if I already know that most people like them have little interior, and much less brains. Zoe Tay cannot speak proper english, Zheng has to mug to get his stupid As. And the rest of the star search contestants from Singapore are either Ah-Lians or come from stupid JCs like Serangoon JC. Why do they end up in Serangoon JC if they really had the brains?

Raffles JC is a ching chong school by the way, and Zheng's ching chong ain't as good as mine. Or yea, I forgot, his english isn't as good as mine too. By the way, being the prom king is a popularity vote. It is not because you are really handsome or what not. Also, because you portray this certain image on telly, you're not really all that.I wish everyone's art could really reveal what they're like. Unfortunately, what we see on the telly is all bullshit used to hoodwink the stupid. Other than that, I always thought the people in Raffles were really open-minded because of the way they think, the way they write, the books they read and the music they listen to. But contrary to that, the way they carry themselves and the way they treat other people deny all of the former which makes me think them good and true.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just being bitter and sceptical because of all that's happened to me, my life, my family, how growing up was shitty and the boyfriends sucked, but then I realise, I don't really give a fuck about who these people are or what they do. It's just that this is my random rant and take about such things, and other than these, I do not really give a damn because I'm happy the way I live and I'm glad for all these things I've experienced, because they do make me a better person. And I've realised I've matured in more ways than one.

Age does not mean maturity by the way. It's the experiences that shape you and the person you are that determine whether you are mature or not. In fact, most people at 45 still behave as though they're 16.

Dieting

2007-08-04T23:55:00.001-07:00

Dieting is a lot like relationships. What we're looking for in a relationship and what we're prepared to put into it influence the kind of relationship it will be. Quick-fix diets are the equivalent of a one-night stand: you get what you want fast and it feels great - but it doesn't last. You may hope for something a little more permanent but inevitably you soon realize that the man or woman of your dreams isn't all you thought they'd be and your interest wanes. Similarly, that "revolutionary" new diet that was going to get the weight off, once and for all, soon becomes a slog and leaves you feeling disillusioned and disappointed.

Now think of a long-term relationship. Anyone who has experienced a good, lasting partnership knows that it involves a bit of work and upkeep. It's not always earth-shatteringly exciting, and there are inevitably problems along the way, but it feels right, it makes you happy and, most of all, it feels like a permanent part of your life. That doesn't mean it doesn't evolve along the way, however. More than likely, both parties change, or circumstances change, and a period of adjustment follows. The likelihood of long-term success is determined by how you navigate this sometimes tricky road.

random

2007-08-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

If I die, I would like to be buried with memories of my life.
I would like to be buried with all the photographs I ever took.
(I would like memories of all those who was ever important to me
and all those I loved so dearly and whom I loved so,
if there is a difference that is.)
I would like to be buried with all my journal and blog entries.
I would like to be buried in my favourite outfit.The pink shirt with berms and artas white snake skin leather shoes and a brown leather belt
(I wonder what would happen if I had a few favourite outfits at 80,
that is if I die at 80, and not some freak accident tomorrow or the week after.)

And if I ever get cremated, I would like all these things to be placed next to my urn.

And if I ever get my way, and really roll up my ash into a roll of nicely flavoured tobacco for all my loved ones and those who attend my funeral to smoke, I hope that in place of my body and my self, that all these things would represent me instead. Bury those in my tomb. Place those things behind the wall for the urn.

For those things represent much more than a dead and lifeless body, that has lived but no longer. Those things however, represent life and memory, that will always go on living for those who care to look.

I would like however, to be placed below a rose bush.
Those things may do the trick too.
No rose bush? Grow one then!
For I would still like to know that beauty exists apart from death.
And that although I have died, the essence of me still contributes
to the beauty,
of this now-ugly earth.

When it was me

2007-08-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

She's got nice eyes and she's 5'5"
Long brown hair all down
What the hell
What's so special about that?

She used to model,
she's done some acting
So she weighs buck of 5
So I guess she's alright if perfection is what you like
and I'm not jealous
no I'm not
I just want everything she's got

you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way
Tell me what makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me

And now you don't feel the same
I remember you would shiver everytime I said your name
You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes
Now you don't care I'm alive
How did we let the fire die?

It was me
That made you smile
That made you laugh
Even if it makes you happier than you have ever been

Me
That was your world
Your kind of guy
Nothing about me has changed

That's why I'm here wondering
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can remember when it was me

The Distance

2007-07-31T07:13:00.000-07:00

The sky has lost its color
The sun has turned to gray
At least that’s how it feels to me
Whenever you’re away

I crawl up in the corner
To watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you’re coming back

I can’t take the distance
I can’t take the miles
I can’t take the time until I next see you smile

I can’t take the distance
And I’m not ashamed
That with every breath I take I’m calling your name

I can’t take the distance
I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you’re close to me
But it ain’t close enough
Not nearly close enough

I’d breathe fire and I’d be free
To be by your side, I’d do anything

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That’s how much you mean to me

-the distance
Oliver James

missing the army boy who must be all stinky now
sigh

Missing the army boy

2007-07-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

I know this sounds gross....

But wad i really miss

Is kissing and sucking your fingers gently

And licking your ears inside out

Just to see the look on your face.

Song for Tyler

2007-07-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

You're gone, now,
I feel fine
14 months,
yeah I feel fine
What about you?
I betcha been cryin'
I bet ya been goin around town lyin

I'm moving' fast
I feel so fine
I got Destiny's Child singin' Lose My Breath to me
I know every line

sittin' here at my spot
I look up to my right, and there you are
Sat there with some new girl, what is this?
Let's cut to it
With my friend for lunch
I was feelin' on top of the world
and I just got a hunch
That you were sat behind my back
didn't need to turn 'round
I felt sick at the thought
you're laughing loud

Sat there with some new girl,
what is this?
Don't panic, panic
Tyler don't be erratic
That's who has replaced me
what a diss !
Don't panic, panic
Don't act too manic, manic
It's a sure fine way to ruin my day

Just as soon as I'm on top of my life
there you are again
But don't react now,
you can't go back now
Don't panic, panic,
Tyler just look ahead now

Twilight

2007-07-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

I was stained, with a role, in a day not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right
I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight [

Never cared never wanted
Never sought to see what flaunted
So on purpose so in my face
Couldn't see beyond my own place
And it was so easy not to behold what I could hold
But you taught me
I could change
Whatever came within these shallow days

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high
cause
I've seen, cause I've seen
You
My twilight

missing you Clement.

Distance Between Us

2007-07-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

You take my breath away
And yet you're all I'm breathing for

I always want that little bit more of what you do
And I still feel today
The way I felt the first time we kissed

You made me live, not simply exist
Broke like a clear view out of the mist
I'd known

You turned my life to up from down
Taken me from lost to found
Raised me up and now

I see
How high we are

And every night before I sleep
I hope and pray you're mine to keep
It's all I can do to thank my lucky stars

The distance between us'
Cos close is never close enough
And there's a world beyond your touch

I want to climb inside of you
And see your heart beat

So now and here we are
Within a land that we're making our own

I can't believe how devotion has grown
And still it grows

We're not the first to fall so far
Won't be the last to give our hearts

But now it's me and now it's you
We own this love
Sounding out the way I feel

Reminds me that this dream is real
All that I can do is thank my lucky stars

Can't stop myself from wanting more

HE is

2007-06-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's the only explanation
To the question at hand

Like years of pain gone away
In a single day

There's nothing that compares
To the way
You make me feel inside

And I'm so glad you're my...
Prince charming, my angel
My king and my friend
My lover, my one

He is, he is
The beat in my heart
The kiss on my lips
My lover, my one

He is, he is

They could take away my looks
My everything
But as long as you stay
Here with meI would be OK

I look at you
And I see me

Just reflections of the love you made with me
And I'm so glad you want to be my
My sun, my shine
My heart, my mind

He is everything i need
I gotta love you like no one has ever loved before
I gotta give you what you gave baby so much more
I wanna take it fast, but I want to take it slow
Addicted to your love and I can't let go

random

2007-06-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Don't leave me. Because I am weak when sober. Love me. Because I am needy and hungry

I'm in pain

2007-06-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to see

Dysfunction between you and me

We must free up these tired souls

Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know

I love you but I'm letting go

It may not last but I don't know

Just don't know

If you don't know

Then you can't care

And you show up

But you're not there

But I'm waiting

And you want to

Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday

With every worthless word we get more far away

The distance between us makes it so hard to stay

But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe

It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories

Can heal us temporarily

The misbehaving only makes

The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart

I’ll never let it fall apart

But strangely I wish secretly

It would fall down while I'm asleep

Yours

2007-06-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life
Now I believe in miracles
Baby I’m forever yours

Yours

Tender love’s what you’re giving me and
You surpass all my fantasies and
I keep thanking the Lord above for
Blessing me with so much
Cause I know how it feels to be part of you boy

Everyday of my life’s so abundant
With joy
And I honestly never thought love could be real
Until the angels guided you to me

Baby our love will always persevere
Anything you ever need,
You know I’ll be right here and
You don’t have to worry boy
I won’t betray your trust
Because I’m so much in love
Every time your lips meet mine
It still feels like the first time
And if you lost everything
I’d keep on standing by your side
And boy it seems like everyday
I fall deeper in love
Because I can’t get enough

I believe in miracles baby I’m forever

yours

fuckery

2007-06-17T02:49:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with you and I know i should stop and do something productive but I cant. I wish you gave me something real and physical to hold on to. Because all I can do now is look at your photos and cry shit load of tears.

my man is taken away from me

2007-06-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

I hate the SAF.

I hate the fact that my boyfriend can only whisper for like 3 mins for each phone call.

I hate that i cant see him for two weeks.

I hate eating alone.

I hate clubbing alone.

I hate going to places which we always go and then realise you are not there for me.

I hate the fact that you may change in the army because to me you are perfect now.

I hate that you are not here with me.

Clement

2007-06-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
to take a backseat

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
but to have nothing to do with his life?u get me?

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
i mean i can never

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
u know?

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
i getcha

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
well, probably that works for you?

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
you got to find the elements that work for both of you

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
what work for others doesnt mean it will work for you guys mah

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
ya but i wanna be more involved because i love him i guess.

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
yes i am being selfish and silly

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
but isnt love selfish and silly

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
well, the world is not perfect hun

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
sometimes, you got to give a lil, or you end up losing everything

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
i juz love him so.u know?i dun wanna miss a thing

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
i dun wanna like if anything happens

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
and pple ask so wad kinda person is he?and i give a blank look

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
i understand

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
but there are things which is not within our control

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
and there is nothing we can do about it

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
and dont bother what other pple thing, cause they dont do it often

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
at the end of the day, you guys are happy being together

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
and that wat matters most

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
you know, some pple cant even be in the position you are in now

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
so just take it easy and enjoy the ride la

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
dont think so much

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
it wont help la

tyler i will stop the world and melt with you says:
ya i know i am obsessive! haha but u know he is a gem. and i do know pple like him as in like like him

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
lol

tintin: tonight, happiness is only a concept says:
but you got him so...

Clement I am glad tt I talked to Zaq because he makes me feel so much better. and i know that though you don't say it out loud like i do, that you love me in your own sweet little ways. Zaq askedme wads two weeks when you and me actually have a potential lifetime together. Feel so silly for crying just now. Guess i am just a tad lost without you.But you know wad darling this heart of mine shall remain true.

Ugly

2007-06-07T00:18:00.000-07:00

As heard on Saturday night at Tantric

10. I think of you as a friend/brother/sister.
Translation: You're ugly.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
Translation: You're ugly.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
Translation: You're ugly.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
Translation: You're ugly.

6. I've got a boyfriend/husband/wife.
Translation: You're ugly.

5. I don't date men in the same industry.
Translation: You're ugly.

4. It's not you, it's me.
Translation: You're ugly.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
Translation: You're ugly.

2. I'm celibate.
Translation: You're ugly.

1. Let's just be friends.
Translation: You're sinfully ugly.

Let Him Fly

2007-06-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

Ain't no talkin to this man

Ain't no pretty other side

Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride

It would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that

Things can move at such a pace

The second hand just waved goodbye

You know the light has left his face

But you can't recall just where or why

So there was really nothing to it

I just went and cut right through it

There's no mercy in a live wire

No rest at all in freedom

Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all

The proof is in the fire

You touch before it moves away

But you must always know how long to stay and when to go

I am gonna let him FLY

2007-06-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we knew
And this regret I got accustomed to

Who wants to watch the ride?
When we were at our height
Waiting for you at home at night

I knew I had met my match
But every moment we could snatch
I don’t know why I got so attached

It’s my responsibility
You don’t owe nothing to me
But to walk away
I have no progressity

He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I’m grown

And in your way
In this blue shade

My tears dry on their own

I don’t understand
Why do I stress the man?
When there’s so many bigger things at hand

We could a never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawl

Even a bust up one of you
A suspected force is true
I’ll be some next man’s other man soon

ArGH!

can I play my self again?
Or Should I just be my own best friend?
Not fuck my self in the head with stupid men

So we are history
A shadow covers me
The sky above a blaze

I wish I could sing no regrets
And no emotional debt

Cause as he kissed goodbye the sunsets

So we are history

A shadow covers me

The sky above me

My tears dry on their own

i was here first

2007-06-01T01:33:00.001-07:00

So show that preoccupied, hurting hand
And steal thirty nine of forty winks

There’s no end, no solace
No light that breaks the dusk

And spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can’t be happening.

When busy streets, a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.Words and stolen dreams.All those moments.

They were here first.

I was here first.

Fucked up Situation

2007-05-31T22:07:00.000-07:00

Sky's fallen hard on my head

Heart's crushed by the weight of words

Paralysed, marred, unable to move

How did reality become this absurd?

What was meant for good now scars my soul

Memories of hurts, they take their toll

Can't stay here, can't let go

What do I do now, I don't know

Ace Reject

2007-05-24T03:50:00.000-07:00

See my love Is all I can give you
Nothing more
This life is how I want it to be
With you and me
Staying together

Take it all I’m here boy
I got what you need
Talk to me

And help me breath
Wanna hold on
Just remember we

Wasting time
Until you heart and mind
Realize as I remember

I won’t disguise my love for you
It’s true I can’t

Wait for u to be there
All my life I need
Someone to make me feel good
And I wish that it was you

Every journey
another sign
Images always pass me by
Feel I live in the walk behind
When I think of you
Every moment i'm frightened
Had to erase all your messages

Couldn’t handle the things we said
Still I’m feelling you

It's driving me crazy
Baby
Lately you
Slipping away from me
I try to keep holding on
I get nothing wrong
There is something I didn’t see

We break up and
Make it up
Back and forward we never stop
Every time
A change of heart
I Can’t keep up
You say yes and I say no
When it turns hot
We make it cold

And still something
Between us holds Together

Sometime a light in me
I think our time is over
Aint how funny?
How sweet I dream
But the bed keeps getting on colder
Sometimes I close my eyes
It feels like I living by numbers

Cause I've been holding you so damn tight
I gotta to stop 'cause it's pulling me under

I only wanted

2007-05-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it ever stay
Must it always fade away
Couldn't love ever be
Something tangible and real
Farewell, friend

Abandonment returns to taunt me again
I only wanted you to stay
Linger and mean the words you said
Foolishly I romanticized
Someone was saving my life
For the first time

I only wanted you to be there when
I opened up my eyes

I was caught in your masquerade
Wish I'd stayed beneath my veil
But it just seemed so easy to
Open up myself to you
Once more into the wind
The embers scatter
And the chill settles in

I only wanted you to stay

Clement the one

2007-04-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

See I'm going through a situation
That I can't help
Wanna get a little closer
But I promised myself
That I would never give my heart
Away again

Clement, I know it's hard
But you gotta understand it
The truth is all the hurt and the pain
And the shit that you get
When you have it
Ain't worth it

I've been there so many times
I should know better but
I
Can't stop what I feel
When you're next to me
I really think
I
Finally found somebody
That could be the one

But I promised myself
That I wouldn't give in to love

And I'm scared
And I'm nervous

Don't wanna be hurt anymore

This is bad
Cause I know that you're the one

See the problem with relationships
In general is that it's always a game
In the beginning they'll do
Anything to have you
And once they do it's never the same
And I, know everyone out there can relate

So the question is
One: do I really wanna trust this feeling?
Two: do I wanna let it pass me by?
Three: do you think it's only superficia?
lFour: could it actually be different this time?

Someone to love me
Someone to be my everything
Maybe I've stumbled upon
Finally found somebody

This is bad
Cause I think you are the one

morbid thoughts

2007-04-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

it's as if everything is calm and peaceful on the surface
yet i'm trying to find something more
something more deep inside
and i dont know what it is

its as if there's lots of turmoil wrapped within
a whole load of junk
the jumble
then again so much emotion
so much emptiness

i don't know which is which
perhaps i've got a split personality
hahathe idea is ludicrous
but it is not impossible

manipulatedby what others think
what others say
that's so shallow i know
tell me all you want
but i am stubborn
and i am frank
and i will let you know thus
so filled with hatred
so happy on the surface

fuck

i dont say mean things
i dont insult
i try to be as kind as possible
apparently
the world loves mean people

i dont hate my life
i adore it
i just hate whats going on in it
the people in it
the happenings
some people pretend
so people can adore them

fuck
i dont want to pretend
im sick of pretending
i just wanna be my sick morbid self

i dont wanna be a bastard
dont wanna be a slut
dont wanna party the way i do
dont wanna
anymore
becausei am just not like that

innately
i think
i think because i know
i know that i am not.
i am empty
hateful
vengeful

its tiringto be so guarded all the time
goddamn it all

fuck it all
white roses on a grave
yellow roses on a grave
red roses on a grave
black roses on a grave

sometimes maybe sunny daffodils

not
they're not my cuppa tea
colourful geberas
occasionally then

maybe
maybe
maybe.

pensive

2007-04-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

i guess i'm stuck in a kind of limbo.

today would probably be
or rather
is probably the happiest day of my life

so far
haha
i haven't smiled like that in a long while.
but oh well
good things don't last long for me

i suppose this is just one of God's way of showing me his light
of answering my long lost prayer
just one day
one day and i'd be contented.

i'm really grateful for that
thankyou very much,i hope it lasts.
well even if it doesnt
at least i have been this thorough in my emotions,for once
on the positive side.
then again
i am stuck in a kind of limbo
a gentle but sometimes jagged kind of flux

have i moved on?
i have moved on.
from what?
to what?
from a myriad of issues to an even more perplexing myriad of issues.

for now,this is the horizon
and this is the happiest day of my life
where all innocence prevails

when i smiled for once
sincerely from my heart
like a child
finding joy
in an amusing bucket of sand.

Polarised

2007-04-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

We've passed the red light

And I've got no fight

Moving in a mad rush

No limit I can't stop

We're into overdrive

Hopelessly into you

Cause you know how to

Unwrap my feelings 'til

I’ve Opened up from inside

No reason to be shy

Every reason to be mine

Nothing's really sane but everything’s amazing

Slowly taking over me

Baby have you noticed, the sky is rearranging

I feel it move in me

Oh, the ground beneath us trembles and we fall

So I wonder, will we fall?

Cause I don't want to be alone

Caught up in a spiral

I tremble and rush

The moment we touch

Breaking out a hot sweat's

As good as it gets

I can’t get enough

Fall into a head space

Deep into a new place

Spinning out of control

You should know I don’t want to be safe

Every reason to be mine

It feels like I'm shaking up

Took all cool to fight it up

Uh uh

All I am is mesmerized

Mmh Mmh

Can’t believe what’s happening

Polarised

Dear God

2007-04-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
I have nothing to ask for but peace and happiness and health. I wish that all my family members would have peace and happiness and health. And I know wealth is nothing but superficial, but without wealth, it would be pretty difficult to get things done. So I wish that you would perhaps grant maybe a little bit of wealth and prosperity to them too.

Dear God,
Give me the strength to carry on, to possess the conviction to pull through, to have enough determination to do well.

Dear God,
Also help me be nice and kind, let me have a heart of mercy, let me have the compassion and understanding to empathize with and love.

Dear God,
If it isn't too much to ask for, please also grant me someone with lips like morphine and a heart of gold.

Love,
Tyler Leow Yu-Qing

The Sweet Escape

2007-04-09T18:46:00.004-07:00

Gwen Stefani knows best. In "The Sweet Escape", the erstwhile No Doubter croons: "I could be your favourite girl, forever, perfectly together, tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet?" Yes Gwen, it would be. We just need a little help with the 'forever' bit.

Adam, the apple of my mind

2007-04-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

You left it, I sent it
I want it back
You left it, I sent it
I want it back

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings
Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin
This plan of mine is oh so very lame
Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

You left, I died
I went and you cried
You came, I think
But I never really know
I've served my time
I've watched you climb
The wrong incline
But what do I know

Accept it, Don't let it
Turn the screw
Accept it, And let it
Scream back at you
Now this applies both equally to you and I
The only thing we share
Is the same sky
These empty metaphors
They're all in vain
Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

In the garden Snake was a charmin'
And Adam said let's give it a try
Now lead us not into temptation
But no matter how hard I try
When in the garden and Snake is a charmin'
And I say let's give it a try
Adam is the apple of my eye

And I lie behind you
And a cradle you in the palm of me
And I pat your hair down

I think will we sink or swim?
'Cause we could do either on a whim

Just Want You To Know

2007-04-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

Just want you to know

random

2007-04-06T04:17:00.000-07:00

Do you note a change? =)I bet you do huh. In the way I blog, in the way I talk.I guess I've matured. I don't know. Not all the way. I'm not cheese for pete's sake.Okay, that was kind of corny.

Anyway, I think I so totally screwed up my friendships with Euphe.I feel like crying. But that would be defeatist. I mean, I'm still in the middle of it. Still staying with her, and trying to make things right.Then again, not many people know me well.Few.Maybe only Euphe.Still, there's more to me than Euphe can comprehend as well.I frustrate her. Se scares the shit out of me.I'm hot-tempered. I take it out on her.I know it's my bad.Sometime I cry because of how bad-tempered I am.But innately,I choose to think I'm kind.I guess I'm kind but I can't control my temper very well.

I'm always a little sad, a little happy. Most of the time, I'm at either one of the two extremes.As I was saying, I so screwed up my life.Somewhat of a pessimist I am huh. Well anyway, I just feel like crying. I feel like crying all the time. Right now, the big word in my head is "flummoxed". I supposed I'm depressed. I don't know. Rather, it is rather self-indulgent to feel upset all the time, giving in to your inner most child to feel upset all the time and then expect someone to comfort you? ps. I think I just said "rather" twice.I like to think that I'm still capable of very honed cognitive facilites but then again what about my life?

I want a happy family There is nothing else I would like to have more. It's too late I guess. too late. Self-confidence brings me down. Yet, it is self-confidence that keeps me afloat. Away from drowning in self-pity. Which is I'm told, a sin.The more you have, the more you lose or are afraid to lose. I'm afraid to lose.Afraid to lose my house, my room, my things, my clothes, everything.A huge fire or freak accident can just destroy everything you possess in an instant.

I'm afraid to lose my parents. As much as I yell at them, I love them and I guess people are afraid to lose the people they love.I'm afraid to die.Afraid to grow old and become ugly and withered. I could keep up appearances with surgery but that would look a tad too artificial.Human beings are thus such vulnerable creatures, susceptible to fears that they generate themselves.I think I love Vincent. This question has always been recurring in my mind. I suppose he loves me? The future holds no bounds. Anything might happen. I'm once again afraid to lose him, or is it the sense of security or the feel that I belong, at least to someone? I think I've gotten used to him.

Then again, there is no such thing as getting "used to" someone. If you have gotten "used to" someone, you'll love the person. It's an emotional attachment that is. Love is an emotional attachment.

Perhaps I'm too young to talk about love. I used to spurn at people who were dating before 16. Like when I was in Secondary School. What do children know about dating? Well, I didn't think anyone was emotionally mature yet and married couples can probably attest to that. How many people marry their childhood sweethearts? I hope I marry mine, but as I've said, the future holds no boundaries. And I want a handsome or pretty angmoh kid. Eurasian. Superficial as it sounds.Tell me then, who isn't vain? Why the use of mirrors then? Some may argue that it's to keep them looking neat and presentable to the world. But isn't that vanity? Perhaps everyone should just be naked. Walk around naked at their most hideous. Then perhaps, we would be able to distinguish the purest of human emotion in love and care.

Don't think I'm very approachable. Haven't gotten very close to anyone in tj. ok, maybe Joyce and Liling and Gerrie and Alvy. but I jinx everything I say. I hope I don't this time. I never understood why Euphe thinks I'm a recalcitrant. I want to be accepted but then again I'm only accountable to myself.Sometimes I wonder if I'm really that hateful.Things haven't been the same after I was 10. Guess it's the family complex. Perhaps everything I'm saying is just crap.

I'm a pessimistic and depressed fool.

ps. I spent the night with Vincent. It was purrr-fect.

bottleneck

2007-04-06T03:58:00.000-07:00

today kinda sucks.
i mean. i'm really confused about everything.
like first of all, there's my parents who are total asses and try to make me move back in when it's them who wanted me to move out in the first place.

just makes me feel miserable. this is depressing. everything is depressing.

like mom, i mean. she's my mom. and i know her weird temperaments and stuff. but sometimes it just gets to me. i wish she would stop threatening to kill herself. or make herself sound that miserable. like she blames me for every single thing under the sun. dad's and her quarrels. now this bisexuality issue and she thinks i'm not doing anything to date girls. and blames me, i mean she even thinks i have dishonest thoughts. like whatever. and when i try to explain things to her, she just doesn't want to listen and keeps saying that "when it's over, it's over" and don't give her heart problems. i mean she started it okie. and so when i told her, she admitted that although she did, as long as she doesn't want to think about it, it's over. but we all know that it isn't. that she thinks of me as the most evil person on earth. that both her and my dad, especially my dad, has an innate hate for me. i hate being at home, hate staying at home.

i feel like screaming but i'm so jaded the voice just doesnt appear. feel like crying but the tears just dont come anymore, at least not as easily as they used to if you remember as well. it just sucks. i just feel empty. hollowed actually. trivialities make me happy now. simple things. like conversing with people. talking rubbish to euphe and vincent and then laughing about it. wanted to go macritchie to play with the all-familiar see-saws and swings today but everybody is gone. so yea, wanted to go myself initially but the urge just got stronger after shit happened at home. so i took 238 and was preparing to board 93 at braddell but i realised that somebody got murdered and chopped up near the swings. haha.. so i freaked out and decided to go elsewhere instead. crap. wanted to go to jasmin's but decided against it and boarded 105 just for the fun of it. but then got off when i reached tanglin mall which isnt really a bad idea cos islandshop had a terrific sale that made me happy for a while. retail therapy. haha.. transient pleasures but whatever. things make me sad all the time anyway.

i just realised i have never been happy. like all my life. things always seem to screw up on me. i feel ugly all the time. i hate my life. hate my parents. hate everything. maybe if i wasn't born things wouldn't be that terrible. ok, this is bad. cos i think i'm reverting to depression

i feel like a slut. i don't know but i'm seriously confused. sometimes, it feels so sinful just to plunge into wild abandonment in everything we do. but then if you manage to abandon everything and just be rude, slutty, atrocious.. yadda yadda, you get what i mean.. it just means you have nothing to lose. but at least you have gained yourself. right?

i don't know. but i'd love to travel on my own right now. just pack my bags and start backpacking up from malaysia onwards. maybe i could go to the dominican republic to find karlos or even jamaica to find yanique. but it's really quite far off. travelling is good. helps u to forget. helps you to find yourself. maybe just for a while, i could forget everything, start anew and be happy.

there are so many people on earth. cant exactly give you the stats. however, each one of us lead very different lives. the extremes are hilarious. if you may so call it. why are some pple happy all the time but others so sad? and then there's the whole poverty, relative poverty and general poverty shit.

hmm.
sigh.

Juni

2007-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

Because Juni asked me to do it.

You.Can.Only.Type.ONE.Word.

1. Where is your cell phone?
pocket

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?
infatuated

3. Your hair?
unglam

4. Your mother?
bitch

5. Your father?
whimp

6. Your favorite thing?
kissing

7. Your dream last night?
wet

8. Your favorite drink?
alcohol

9. Your dream car?
slk

10. The room you are in?
stuffy

11. Your ex?
whimp

12. Your fear?
ugly

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
attached

14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Vincent

15. What you're not?
thin

16. Muffins?
sinful

17. One of your wish list items?
parents

19. The last thing you did?
lunch

20. What are you wearing?
boxers

21. Your tv?
none

22. Your pet?
dead

23. Your computer?
rocks

24. Your life?
drama

25. Your mood?
vexed

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Euphe

28. Your car?
broke

29. Your work?
sucky

30. Summer?
sea

31. Your relationship status?
joke

32. Your favorite color?
green

33. When is the last time you laughed?
Yesterday

34. Last time you cried?
Sunday

35. School?
anticipating

Now write down names of 3 people and get them to do this!
Mariah Carey
Jennifer Lopez
Mom

lovemehatemefuckme

2007-04-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am your god.

I am your god of wrath, of hate, of anger, of rage, of revenge.

I am your god of love, of passion, of lust.

I am your god of caring, of kindness, of compassion, of sympathy, of charity.

I am your god.

Hate me, love me.

Hate me for no reason.

Inexplicably.

You know you'd love to hate me.

It's easier to hate me.

Love me.

Love me with all your heart.

Love me till all your passions are spent.

Love me and i will make you laugh, cry, scream, grief, smile.

I am the god of extremes.

Love me.

I am the god of intensity.

Love me.

Hate me.

Fuck me.

random

2007-04-02T17:55:00.000-07:00

i am unsettled and my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and conflicts. i have found the one. or have i? the one. my only one. yes, my soulmate. and i should be contented. settled. yet i find my days without him unanchored. perhaps this is how it should be. makes sense doesnt it? without the soulmate, there is no soul. and on days when there are no soul, i find my body and mind seeking for novelty and adventure. but i don't wanna be hooked onto this novelty. and i am tired of adventure. but now that i have opened pandora's box, i have to account for my actions. be responsible. but what am i to do?

browsing through a few old photos from 3 years back online, i find that i have changed much. or haven't i? reading what i wrote, looking back at me then, i find myself falling off a precipice from what i am now. i thought i could move on. or so i thought. i am unsettled. i have no form.the inertiaof being

i feel like
one
clouded
mess.

i am just a living and breathing human being

my thoughts and my emotions are separate from what i do and
how my body functions.

i guess
there is always this eternal conflict between the mind and the soul
yet which is which?

i cannot tell.
i am random
and i rant.

2007-04-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

"I pull a book from my personal library every Sunday and go to a nearby lake. I read my favorite passages, wrap it carefully, and leave it for a stranger to find."

i have a personal library too.
and at times like that i miss you.

and i remember when we both wore jackets for our first movie together.

our individual photos
so alike each other,similar poses

i fucking hate these memories
they make me cry on a random sunday night.

the want to be loved.

2007-04-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

"i wish you hadn't played with my heart," someone said.
i'm sorry.
but i never loved you.

and it shatters me to know that
perhaps Desmond never loved me too.

love is only love when it's mutual i suppose.some people yearn to be loved. but has it ever occurred to you that even if this other person would die and give up the world for you, but you just don't love him back, it isn't love no more?

i didn't even flinch when that someone cried.
only because i didn't feel a thing.
i felt so hollow and empty inside.

i know it's cruel to be so cold but i really don't feel a thing.
i'm sorry i used you.
i thought i could stop loving him
but it seems that i can't.

i once loved this boy with all my heart
and i think he loved me with all of his too.

i still love him now.
but he don't anymore.

get over you

2007-03-31T06:15:00.000-07:00

obsessively, i sprawl through all of your old blogs. memories. fleeting. one day from 365 days of a year. and perhaps only 3 hours of the day, succinct, relayed in your blogs. or what used to be.

i do this almost everyday.

and then, i would go to your friendster profile. there, your familiar, big, warm smile would be smiling back at me. friendly, warm and kind. how long has it been my dear? since we last laughed together or talked?

sometimes, i would randomly get the urge to just lay back. and slowly but surely, relive each and every single one of our most prominent moments, or perhaps what i can recall most now. as my memory starts to fail. as our memories start to fade.

i hold onto them. cling on for dear life and refuse to let go. beauty is transient. beauty is but short-lived. i have to force myself to remember all this beauty. for humans are but infallible and prone to err and sin. age, time and the hustle and bustle of daily life all but too soon neglect the once pure, innocent and basic beauty of what we call love and pure emotion.

sometimes too. or perhaps most times, i tend to drink. i wish i could drink and drink and drink and fall slowly into a slumber that i would never wake from, where you and me still exist, where we still laugh happily.and then i'd turn over, and the first person i see when i wake is you. you with your crooked grin.

i remember how you used to be so conscious of your toes.

sometimes, i find i'd stop short in my tracks. pause. heave a sigh. and move on. with whatever i'm doing at that point of time of course.

i wish. oh how i wish.

i wish i could get over you. not call your old number to say hello, and my heart would skip a few beats faster, just as it always did, when i used to call you in the past and got through to you on the phone. now, all i need to hear is hello. satisfied, i would then hang up. tear a little. and carry on with my daily life.

i wish i could get over you.

2007-03-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

i'd do anything to preserve these memories

for as long as they last.

now it's just them and me

and no one else.

yes i'm a loser and a wimp

and i'd give up my pride

just to hear you reject me once again.

and i should really stop it

but i don't know how to

i keep staring at your old blog

the one with photos

and although the hurt's not as bad

as when I was at St James and saw your car

You denied me salvation

but i realise

i'm grieving because of how much i love you.

and you may not ever realise this

but don't you ever

find that

sometimes

for some people

the brain, the heart and the body don't work together

and i know it's no excuse

and i'm not trying to justify anything

Tyler Leow Yu Qing, shut up.

obsessed

2007-03-22T23:45:00.006-07:00

i wish everyonecould see every kind of light

and i don't know why

i am so obsessed

with you

when i already know

that there's nothingin the end.

Swensens

2007-03-22T23:45:00.005-07:00

Sales galore. Shops everywhere. Orchard Road. . Adidas originals. Polo Ralph Lauren. Aldo. Swensens. I see your image everywhere.

Was finding a place to chill when I eventually ended up here. Well, this place’s got no wireless so I’m just typing down my random thoughts. Of you. I don’t know why but I spent the whole day thinking of you.

You. Your laughter. Your smell. Your smile. Your body. Next to mine. Close. Skin on skin. And I actually felt for a second, perhaps many, that I missed you. Miss you? Missed you. I think. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m trying to stop myself. To hate you. As much as I do. I still think of you. And as I was finding a place to chill, I ended up here. Back where it all began. Back where we always were. And I am at orchard. Lovely place. Lovely ice cream place. Things have changed so much though. And I imagine you would love being here. Nice touristss. People that I adore.

I don’t know why but my legs just took me here. Wasn’t thinking. At all. No specifics in mind. Instinctively, just walked to Outram MRT, took a look, reminisced and left. How things have changed.

And I don’t know why but I miss you. I wouldn’t say there’s an urge to be near you or to be with you. I just miss you.And Euphe says love is blind.

I guess it really is. And I know it’s stupid of me to miss you because you probably don’t miss me. Much less think about me. Hate me perhaps. But I cannot imagine that after so long, I still can think that I love you. Perhaps I really do love you. You can deny it. But I do. Perhaps you were just looking for an excuse to break up. To leave. As I felt you always did, as I felt you neglected me. I wonder if you remembered me telling you that if you didn’t treasure me, I would leave. Maybe you think I don’t treasure you.In my own way, I really do. I really loved you.

I am afraid to say the word “love” in the present tense for it hurts. Stupidity hurts.

“love is blind wad. You take both the good and the bad.”

Gerrie sometimes actually makes a lot of sense.As much as I know she’s not for me, I think it actually fills up the void. But without you, it’s not the same. I don’t think I can find another person like you anyway. To understand me and to have the same interests as me. I really want to go to France. You would too. Love the fashion, the sights, the sounds, the culture, the heritage, the tradition, the rich, the poor, the romance, the clean, the grime. Always wanted to go to France. And then perhaps backpack around Europe.“ Sometimes I think that it’s sad true love has to give way to practicality.

Passion kills and passion hurts. But love is passionate. Yet love is passionate.

I don’t think I will ever love again.
In that way at least.
Literally.
Ever.

I’ve morphed into the person I’ve always hated to become. And yet here I am now.For reasons unexplained.Shaped by life and its circumstances.And a part of me will always wonder What if.

Perhaps that’s a phase most people go through.
Perhaps everyone.
But then there are always this lucky few who experience love
Passionate
With all its hurt
And stick with it
And I respect them
Because I admire the courage
They have to do so.
Although some may appear as fools
But aren’t all lovers?
Fools in love?

And yet
I love you.
And it feels funny to have someone else call my name
For your voice still rings in my ear.
Yet I know I cannot love you.
Because you don’t love me.
And to continue doing so
Would be stupidity
But love is blind
And I am a fool.
I feel old.
Things have changed.
The past, the present.Mos, ZOUK, TANTRIC, HAPPY.
All are but fleeting images of my youth.
it had to end though.
All is left but wistfulness and nostalgia.

Left Swensens alone.Funny how time flies.We left Swensens together.And this almost feels like a movie.

Because I can see you and me
Where I solitarily stand now.

silent movie

2007-03-22T23:45:00.004-07:00

and it plays like a silent movie

in my head.

and i wish

i just wish

and

i'd give anything

anythingto be back

to then.

i don't know how to love you when you're already gone

2007-03-22T23:45:00.003-07:00

Sometimes although you know it's gone for good
and part of you knows it ain't ever coming back
part of you also wishes it will.
Well then baby, that translates to the long goodbye.
I guess it's goodbye for forever my love.
or what you once were and used to be.
and memories still flash in my head
here and there
now and then
and sometimes
just sometimes
at my most vulnerable
or perhaps susceptible
i'd still shed a tear or two for you
although i know you don't really care.
cos you're happy now.
and i'm happy you're happy.
but now and then
just sometimes
you'll never know this
but i still do think of you
sometimes i feel pain and heartache
and i'd cry
sometimes i don't feel a thing
just silent moving pictures in my head
or movie stills from photographs
particularly that one we took at the bus stop
and i dont think you'll ever know which
but just that one
i think it was the first we ever took
all innocence and naivety
youth.
and then i'd think about it
and heave a sigh
and then i'd keep a straight face
blinking once or twice
from the memory
and move on with my life
and whatever i was supposed to do.

i don't know how to love you when you're already gone

2007-03-22T23:45:00.002-07:00

DESMOND

AND

FRANCE

ARE

PERFECT

TOGETHER

Beautiful and Good

2007-03-22T23:45:00.001-07:00

once in your life,
you'll probably have only one or two beautiful moments
that you'll remember for life.
ok, maybe not just one or two.
some lucky people have several.
and i'm glad i experienced it.
sometimes some people get married for a whole lot less
and i'd be averse to think that i might be one of them next time
because i lost what i had lost
what i had
that was so good.
oh well.
whoever said relationships have to last forever?
at least i had it
and it was beautiful and good

Conditioned

2007-03-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

tell me, how can one be so obssesed with someone you don't even like
and i look back to before it all started;

before it all happened
and i wish i never met you.
wish we never got together,
but remained as friends

i wish that perhaps,i could turn back time
and start all over again
not now
but maybe later
if there ever is a later
when you do come back
if you ever go.

i wish i took more pictures of you
though i have many already
pictures are memories
that serve to remind me
that you were real
that you occurred
and you happened
and you were beautiful
and i loved you.

even in the depths of the night on a starry 2050 evening
just as i fall concious for the one last time.
there has never been a day
when i have not stopped thinking about you
missing you
and i wish i were myself before
for i am now nothing
but a shell.
funny though
how you could get used to anything
although i didn't go home today.

and i wish you loved me.
and i wish you'll love me.
and i wish you still do.
but i know you don't.
but baby,nothing to fret about,

cos' i'll be conditioned to missing you.

Random Thoughts

2007-03-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing. ow do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

The 10 Things

2007-03-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

The Things You Should Never Do After Being Dumped

1) Cry in the cab coz some smart alec driver will immediately give some horrible advice and you will feel ten times worse.

2) Listen to sappy love songs like "The Sweetest Sin". SERIOUSLY????

3) Visit the person's blog and look at photos and cry again.

4) Think of revenge like scratching his car. Like come on, you want him to think that it's his loss. Instead he will be happy that he got rid of a nut case.

5) Call him, only to find out that he changed his number without telling you.

6) Call your ex and he comes over to pick you up and you realise it's not him you wanna see. And you feel fucking miserable again and you need to lie to take a rain check.

7) Drink. Coz you will drink more than you should and get fat and then he will definitely not want you back.

8) Attempt to make dinner. Instead wait for your home mates to get back.

9) Message his friends to take care of him. Coz seriously he was the one who dumped you and you are the one who is suicidal, not him and his friends will probably think you are nuts anyway.

10) Wear your sexiest nike shorts and blog coz you will feel like an ultimate loser.

11) Wait for nothing to happen. Enuff said.

I wish you knew me

2007-03-22T00:11:00.001-07:00

i wish you knew me.

iwishyouknewmebecauseiknowyouthoughtyoualwaysdidyesmaybeyoudidbutnottotallybecauseyoucouldnotandwouldnotunderstandwhyididwhatididorwhyiactedthewayididbutireallymeantitwhenisaidilovedyoubecauseireallydidiswearfromthebottomofmyheartiwouldgiveuptheworldforyoubutnowyouwillneverknowandiguessitwillstaythiswayforever.

Youknewmosteverythingaboutmyrelationshipsinlifewelliknowyoudontreallycarenowandiprobjustsoundwhinyandirritatingtoyouandyouwillneverreadthisandimgladbecauseifyoudonttheniwontseemsohungupandwhinybecauseitwasmewhodidyouwrongandtherealitywillalwaysstayalthoughforgivenessisanoptionbutyouwontdoitandiknowsoletthingsalwaysstaythisway

I wish you knew me

2007-03-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

What Were We Thinking?

2007-03-21T23:43:00.002-07:00

"What Were We Thinking?

Try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Maybe hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out of reach

What were we thinking?
And what will we do now?
Right now
Right now
Right now

The sun hasn't shined today at all
A funny thing
You haven't called
Tell me why
Or should I be asking?
How would I respond to it all?
Times were good
I wish you were around more
I can feel you at my door
But it's not youIt's someone else
What can I do?
What did we do?

Just walk away
See it can't ever be

Oh, what would we do now?
We carried on making our mistakes
Thinking our love was free
Now you've taken part of me
Right now

What were we thinking?

Iwanna let you go. Pls tell me where you are.

2007-03-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

I read your blog every hour, hoping for some clue. You don't write no more. What happened? What's the matter? I need you. I wanna run to you. I'm surrounded by people but you are my only thought that matter. Please tell me that youy are safe. Please.

I cried in my heart when you gave me the house key. Things are so final yet surreal. I am sad yet happy. Please give me D Ee for my birthday.

hi world

2007-03-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am safe. I am happy. I moved out of my house to somewhere safe, somewhere that i can rest and breathe, somewhere that I can miss you safely.
I'm really sorry for hurting you. I cant help but think of you all day. I pray that you are ok.
Anyway I love it here. I am protected and loved. I hope you can see me here one day coz I am smiling here. I wanna share the peace with you. Come lie with me and rest. I cried coz i dunnoe where you are. It sounds silly but true.

To all my friends who cant contact me, tough luck. my phone line is cut off.

Euphe

2007-03-20T03:12:00.000-07:00

To my darling Euphe

I teared after reading your blog. Emotions were just overwhelming. I love you. I love my parents. I certainly love Desmond. So why does love have to be so hard? Why do people who love me all hate one another? It really brightens up my day that you care. But no one ever knows the hurt in my heart? No one ever listens to what I want. They just plain dismiss me. Beyonce's "Listen" is what I really want to sing to my parents.
"I'm alone at the crossroads.I'm not at my home at my home"
"LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE IN MY HEART. A MELODY I HAVE STARTED BUT CAN'T COMPLETE."
"THE TIME HAS COME FOR MY VOICE TO BE HEARD. THEY WILL NOT BE PUSHED ASIDE OR WORSE, BACK INTO YOUR OWN ALL COZ YOU WON'T LISTEN!"
It really feels good to know that you care. I know what i want. I just want somebody to love me. Love me for the himbo that i am. Love me because I speak gibberish all the time. Love me because I'm serious at the weirdest hours. I think I found that. Pls let me love him. Pls love me because while i love him, I will remain the same, still loving you.
Pa ma, if you are reading this, I still love you. I really do. You got to trust me on that one.

Thanks Euphe. You know how I feel for you. We are family. You have been more than a sister to me.

2007-03-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

Tears just keep flowing down today.
I wish I have the guts to ask you to stay.
So many things left unsaid.
Sick of saying "sometimes it be that way"

I want you back. I wish you back.

I don't want to cry anymore.

Why Can't I?

2007-03-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you when we're out at night

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin
'High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

So tell meWhy can't I breathe whenever I think about you

The thing about relationships

2007-03-17T18:45:00.001-07:00

All these promises that we make and break, why is it that people get into relationships? Because we need witness to our lives. In a relationship, yu are promising to care about everything....the good, the bad, the terrible, the modane things...all of it, all the time,everyday. You are saying,"Your life will go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because i will be your witness."

Fever

2007-03-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

"I think you are ke ai!" he said.
"Erm that means I am cute right?" I replied.
"It means that you are ke yu ai,"
Beams

2 hours of walking aimlessly around.
3 hours sitting at the bus stop. Asking each other stupid questions.
Trying to calm him down from the stalker.
Making sure I was doing my part as a bf.
Yes we are official. No there was no fire works when it happened.
There was a silent yet loud YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS in my heart.
He's cute no doubt.And he's mine.
Darling, you are ke ai too. You are a fever I wanna catch.

2007-03-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I don't mind you telling me
What's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes
I can beAll wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush
Just slow me
Tell me tomorrow everything will be around
Just slow me down
You're the one that keeps me on the ground
Baby you can be tough
Say enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love love
Tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love
I can take your honesty
All your words weigh heavily
Listening to you all the time
I want to be there for you
The way you've been there for me
Always help me walk the line
Just slow me down
I know you will always be around
All this time we thought we knew eachother
Now that I am leaning on your shoulder
I can tell you baby that
You're right when you're right
andYou're wrong when you're wrong
andI can be weak '
cause I know you are strong
Just do it with loveJust do it with love love love loveJust do it with love

waiting

2007-03-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm just waiting for you to say the magic words so that the the sky will turn magically bue.
I'm just waiting for the touch of your hand so that I can breathe again.
I'm just waiting for you to tell me that I'm the one who can make your world go round.

I'm just waiting for you.

EEeeeee Yq is going gaga again!

2007-03-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

For the past few mornings, I have been staring at my phone. My heart will be aching to fire him an sms or dial his number to well just hear his voice. But then I will chicken out. Not because I dun miss him enough. But because I dun wanna appear too eager. Everybody knows Yq plays it cool. But no one knows that his heart races whenever his phone vibrates. No one knows that he says a littl prayer before looking at his phone, hoping to see his name on display. No one knows that he does a little dance in the office, wriggling his butt whenever it's him. Nobody knows that he retypes every reply twice so as to appear funnier/more interesting. Nobody knows he paces around the office till he replies.

I still am crazy over him anyway. He's stupid and smart. He's loud and quiet. He's short yet tall in my eyes. Definitely a keeper.

Clarence

2007-03-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you

2007-03-06T22:24:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't been updating. Not that I'm lazy but really nothing is happening in my life right now. I feel sad after reading Euphe's blog. I wish I can tell her wad love is all about but I am equally clueless. I wish I can find my special someone soon. But I know I am not searching hard enough and I'm terribly shy in front of strangers. It was so easy in gay world when people just come up to me and introduce themselves. In straight world, it's a different ball game together. I shy away from girls because they are just so scary you know. I love the loud,bitchy ones but I just lack the balls to approach them.
Fuck it. I just read Sarah Chian's blog too and I felt depressed for a sec. Why cant she see how talented she is? And I cant possibly tell her that or else she might get the wrong idea. But boy this girl really rocks and I wish the whole world can see it.
Anyway CNY juz passed and well there is really nothing to look forward to. Right now I'm heading to the gym regularly, trying desperately to lose some weight so that I can look hot in a pair of trunks and join NUS waterpolo team.
I miss the past. I wish everything was like the jc days again. I remember laughing my guts out like almost every second.
Oh ya I had a weird dream last night. I had a really really good bod in my dream and I was dancing to Beyonce's Upgrade You to someone in bed. Just that I cant remember who the stranger was...but damn now the song is stuck in my head..let me let me upgrade you

weird

2007-03-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

Ok these few days have been weird. I have been feeling rather empty. It's like there's nothing to look forward to. My infatuation of Gerrie is rather over. I dun look forward to smses or phonecalls. Oh the only thing I look forward to is Desperate Housewives premire on Channel 5. That's so bah!
My bros, Yuan and Daryl are coming over later to my crib to hang. Finally a guys' night in. Expect X rated talk and booze.

Upgrade you-Beyonce ft Jay z

Upgrade U

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Beautiful Liar-Beyonce and Shakira

beyonce ft shakira - beautiful liar

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48 hrs

2007-02-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

In the past 48 hrs

I have visited Joyce at the hospital.

Wrestled Euphe on her bed. Very fun I must say.

Talked to this really really cute half ang mo neighbour of mine. He's really really gorgeous.

Found out that Joyce's dad is reading my blog and have been telling some rather untrue stuff to my parents about me.

Went to the gym*GASPS*

Went for a massage immediately after gym because I ache all over.

Watched the new Andy Lau film.

I still find the ang mo neighbour of mine really cute. He hasnt kissed anyboy before and was never in a r's because he's too shy. Tt's so cute!!!!

Rejected Gerrie when she asked me out coz I just didnt feel up to it which is weird. gonna talk about it with Euphe.

I realised Euphe shpuld always and must always be my pillow buddy because she straightens out all my thoughts and feelings. I feel quite lucky to have met her each time I meet her. Erm I guess i will treat her to the next dinner or hint hint she can cook.

I am having daddy instincts and I just wished I will have a daughter in maybe 5 yr's time

2007-02-25T02:37:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of clubbing in MOS. The music sucks. The crowd sucks. The alcohol tastes weird. And there is no space to show off my superb dancing moves.

I went with Euphe, Gerrie and Alvy yesterday and left at around one forty five. That's a record low for me.

I don't know why but I'm not jealous.Weirdly.

Maybe It's Just Me

2007-02-23T00:14:00.001-08:00

Maybe it's just me, but you seem finally happy
I don't think I've seen your face just glow
Like a neon sign and maybe we should be alone for ever after,
Cause even thought the nights are long
At least I'll make it another day

Cause I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
But I can live without you if it makes you smile

And maybe things got weird after all that went down
Things were oh so clear,
That I could never get the right
So tell me what your plans are
And tell me what you're doing
The only thing I'll hold against me is a picture of you tonight

Cause I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
But I can live without you if it makes you smile
And I can't wait to see you rise
And I can't wait for you to shine
But I can wait for you if all you need is...

Time for you to think things over
Time to talk the drama down
It's not a contest of who'll try harder
Or who'll cross the finish line

And I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
But I can live without you if it makes you smile
And I can't wait to see you rise
And I can't wait for you to shine
But I can wait for you if all you need is time

Mix tape

2007-02-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

Butch Walker- Mixed Tape

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This is the song that me and Gerrie will get emo over.Enjoy.It's a nice video!

Candyman

2007-02-22T23:54:00.001-08:00

Candyman (MUSIC VIDEO)

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Love Is Only A Feeling

2007-02-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met
And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get
I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand
An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand

'Cos you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all

Love is only a feeling
When I'm in your arms I start believing
But love is only a feeling
Anyway

The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed

That the light of my life
Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
Just to beam on you and I

Samsung rocks!

2007-02-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

I just bought this Samsung E 900.
It has a 2 MP camera with flash.
It is a slide phone which means I can twist my head in a dramatic way and slide my phone and then pick up a call.
It has a micro SD slot which allows me to load MP3s
It is black and slick.
It has a vibrant color screen.

I love it....cant wait to start snapping pictures of friends. In fact I already got shots of Gerrie.-beams-

wholesome night

2007-02-22T16:47:00.000-08:00

Last night. my mom cooked up a feast. Aunty Christine and Irene, Uncle Gan and Ron were invited. I asked Geraldine to tag along too. Dinner was really awesome and the soup was juz haha WHOA. I'm glad Geraldine likes my mom's cooking

After dinner, Gerrie and me went to watch Dreamgirls like FINALLY. Haha and like Ah bengs and Ah Lians, we raised our legs and rested them on the seats in front of us. Dreamgirls was really awesome and I was singing along to all the songs. MOVE MOVE MOVE OUTTA MY LIFE. AND I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT GOING!!!!!I AM CHANGING!!!!!!!LISTEN TO THE VOICE HERE IN MY HEART!ONE NIGHT ONLY!!!

Well Gerrie rested her head on my chest and I was terrified that she could hear my accelerated heartbeat. It's cool watching a movie with a girl you have a mad crush on.

After the movie, we went to Coffee Club for hot chocolate.

Tonight I'm going to Yew Tee Community Center to well serve the elderly their reunion dinner along with Gerrie and Euphuie. Maybe after that, I will watch Paris je t'aime and Epic movie.MaYbe I will tell her how much I like her then. Maybe.

sarah chian

2007-02-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

Euphe once told me there will be one person you can never get over. I thought about it and I think the person is Sarah Chian. not because I am not over her but maybe because I still wonder what things would have been like if it all worked out.

I never had all the answers
I never had enough time
But I sure had all the reasons
Why you weren't what I wanted to find

I never laid all my cards out
You just wanted to play
The Queen she waited on my doorsteps
While the joker and me went on our way

Maybe I was much too selfish
But baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and all alone
And wishing I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
Things are sweeter now

These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But there's no lack of arms around me
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong

And I'd wish on every star
For that girl and our life
If I did not think that

Yes, I guarantee
Things are sweeter now

For Joyce

2007-02-21T23:13:00.000-08:00

Why do they make it hard to love you?
Why can't they even start to try?
'Cause now I feel a bridge is burning
And all the smoke is in my eyes

I realize I never let them know me
I always wanted to be right
Took a mistake to really show me
Exactly what they were like

I've been wrong but I've been changing
I've been wondering what to do
Here I am alone and waiting
For you

Why do I try and make them happy?
Why am I always playing nice?
It isn't easy trying to tell you
Exactly what's on my mind

Everybody's changing

2007-02-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

These few weeks have been weird.

I fell in love with a girl I swear I hated in Tj

My best friend became this lesbian whore and this scares me,even though I am pretty much active in the gay scene, or at least used to be.

Euphe is once again my friend and I feel nothing but love for her, even though we met online, even though she can take me down anytime, even though her legs are thicker than mine.

My relationship with my parents are improving.

My nieces and nephews all ten of them still demand piggy back rides,sessions of catching and hide & seek from me. They still love me.

I introduced the girl that i have a slight crush on to my parents and they love her though she appeared in FHM in skimpy bikinis.

I haven thought of sex since like forever.

It's been hell of a ride. I do miss Joyce. I want her back. I am so sick of going to her house to look at her parents cry. I feel partly responsible. I wish I knew how to comfort them. But I forgot how I controlled myself in the world of temptation. I have sinned but I had my limits. I don't sleep around. I can count the number of times I have been drunk with my five fingers. Yes Joyce, your hubby was once havoc but he turned out pretty well because he didn't let loose completely. I wish I had taught you that before I let you go on a rampage.

I love Euphe. She really rocks my world. I like it when she said I wasnt so messed up anymore. I feel that I have grown a little. To not be so emo. To not let emotions get into my head. I no longer club to get rid of the loneliness. I realised how much I missed her during hanging out at her house. And I think our friendship is the coolest thing ever because I dun have to pretend to be interesting and be this boring old fart and she will still love me anyway. Or pretend she does haha!

And I still wonder how come Alvy can eat so much.